In Thanks

Thankful

1. A week off work

2. Reasons to get dressed up

3. Being confident

4. Swiffer vacuum and wet jet

5. Can't think of a #5 today

Thankful Day #4

Things for which I am Thankful

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

matthew 6:26

1. Creativity

2. Hugs

3. A car that runs

4. Sally Hansen Miracle Nail Repair

5. Flowers

Blog Swap...Who Knew?

Who knew there was such a thing as a blog swap...

you get for REAL mail...

SO exciting.

Kati at Country Girl, City Life is sponsoring this extravaganza

Click on over to this site to find out all the details.

It sounds fun.

Won't us join us?
I know people are going to love some of my FAVORITE THINGS!

Last night I met with an old friend.
It went...okay...I guess
Nothing has changed.
I still love this person.
My heart still aches.

Aches for what I see behind their eyes.
They are still a child of the

Living, Loving, Healing God.

I've become VERY good about being numb when it comes to this person.

Numb and Guarded.

Its safer that way...trust me.

It could be and will probably be months before I hear from them again.

All expectations have dissipated but, not all HOPE gone.

Hope is always there, always has been.

If love is a verb
and a verb signifies action
we have been on pause for a long time.

Sounds harsh but its true.

I always leave this person feeling regret.
I had a list of things that I felt regret for, So I thought "hey they are still in town, I don't have to let them leave with my regrets." So at 8 in the morning I went over to their parents house and I said what I should have said last night, I held on, I hugged tight, I was vulnerable. Man did it feel good. I can now go to sleep (i work nights) with a completely clear conscience.

I hope they keep better contact.
I hope they let those who love them in.
I hope that they realize they are the one that has to do the work to heal some relationships, because I can't.
I hope they are really happy.
I hope for them to want to share more of their life with me.

I, on faith believing...will continue to invest my heart.
They are worth it.

Thankful day #3

Today I am thankful for

1. comfort of old friends

2. new attitudes

3. hope

4. freedom

5. living life with no regrets

Quote I fully believe in!

The Best Policy

"Pull out your journal

and be brutally,

painfully,

overwhelming,

and cathartically honest with yourself.

You will find

that in being honest with yourself,

it comes much more natrually

to be honest and kind to others."

-Note to Self: On keeping a journal and other dangerous pursuits

Old Friend

Tonight I will see an old friend.

I am uncertain.

I am guarded.

I am scared.

All I can do is pray.

Pray for wisdom.

Pray that my words will be healing to us.

Pray that my heart will be safe.

Pray that my body language will be welcoming.

Will I be numb, or will I cry?

Will I talk too much or will I be silent?

Will I want to condem (angry) or will I finally figure out how to accept (love without shaming)?

Almost a year is a very long time. It is a very long time to have not really connect with someone you love. It is a very long time to have not had your 'best friend'. Best friends, what a in interesting concept. Do we chose them? Maybe neither person chooses. Maybe it just IS.

I wish I could choose. I would have chosen to let go a long time ago.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. Romans 8:1-3

Like I said; all I can is pray.

Pray for wisdom.

Living Thankful

5 things for which I am thankful

(only the 2nd day and I'm already finding it hard to come up with stuff)

1. Second chances

2. My bed

3. Pink trees

4. Art

5. Ambien

Go and Be...on Faith believing

Satan sure knows how to kick us when we are down.

He knows when we are trying to follow, to be obedient.

Man does he get scared and jump into action. "You wanna follow Jesus?” Satan says, "then take this":
Bam: doubt and insecurity fill your mind.
Pow: you have to go to the Dr. and get an expensive medication you can't afford.
Kaboom: out of the blue you get a critical letter from someone.
Whack: you are not pregnant for the third month in a row.
Boom: you lose your temper with your kids, or you say something you shouldn't have to someone you love.

Your first reaction? My first reaction is to stop moving forward to withdrawal, hide, hunker down, and prepare for the rain.

Shouldn't our first reaction be, yes, to stop but then to turn and run away from him? Running into the promised fortress and protection of Jesus? Then, after being taken care of, restored, energized, should we not go out and try again. Stand eye to eye with the devil, and say "in the name of Jesus, Satan I command you to flee".

Then go. In the name of Jesus. Go and do, go and be, go and make. Man that is what I want to do.

Last night I felt knocked down. I was getting the courage to walk in the light, to be optimistic no matter what my brain says to me, to embrace that the truth will indeed set me free.

Literally, I had just written a plan to blog something positive once a day (about something I'm thankful for, something that makes me happy, some memory that makes me smile), when I checked my e-mail and had a letter from a well-intentioned person telling me how I need to be more positive, it was kind of chastising.

It made me mad, I don't like to do things that people want me to do. It’s a hazard of this generation, to repel from any kind of "authority". So, to be told what I need to do from someone I don't think understands what is going on in my life is well, not okay with me.

It is impossible to effectively describe how I feel most days. It is kind of like I am disconnected, not capable of really ever feeling anything. I react to things the way I think I am supposed to, the way society expects. I have a hard time with empathy, and I feel like I am supposed to be ashamed. I'm a very black and white person, hard for me to live in shades of gray. I am fiercely protective of those I love, but the group of those I love is small. It is hard for me to, not; speak my mind, to bite my tongue. I can do it, but sometimes it is hard.

As the night has gone on I have calmed down. I have decided that I can't continue to be negative for the sake of my pride. That would just be silly wouldn't it?

So here are the 5 things I am thankful for today:
Flip flops
Flannel sheets
Moms mashed potatoes
Feeling safe in my home
Being silly, no matter who thinks you’re weird

I am afraid this finding five things a day to be thankful for is going to be hard. I am trying to feel free in my weaknesses, because this trying to be perfect BEFORE I even put a toe in the water of my future is CRAZINESS. Just go…on faith believing.

This morning I am encouraged.

This song has been on my mind for the past three days.

Over and over and over again.

It is the cry of my heart.

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Med Update

Several people have expressed their concerns since last weeks blog about decreasing my meds. While I appreciated their concerns, I thought gradually decreasing my meds was the only option available at the time.

In the last week I have had nausea, dizzy spells, and confusing emotional moments.
The week was a blur, a lot of sleeping and a lot of...I'm not sure. I didn't leave the house much.
Looking back I am trying to figure out why the emotional moments.

Maybe:
*Because I've been itching for a month now and I'm worn down from not being able to figure out what I am allergic too.
*Because I'm decreasing my meds
*Because I have no insurance and have had to go to the urgent care twice for the itching and it still is not completely gone. I mean seriously what can I be allergic too?
*Or maybe it is because changing jobs to make significantly less was A LOT harder than I thought it was going to be.

Sunday I sang in church. Well sing would not be the right descriptor. I cried, sang out of tune "hope now" by Addison Road. Assaulting the congregation. I couldn't believe it. I almost fell apart up there. Fortunately, I made it off and outside before I completely fell apart. I just wanted to leave. Of course I couldn't because my purse, keys, and bible were still in the sanctuary.

A few minutes went by and a friend came out to check on me.

I lost it all over again, falling apart in her arms. I told her everything that was going on, no hiding. She explained to me about her concerns with me decreasing my meds. I don't know if she explained it in a way that I hadn't thought of before, or if I was just in the right place to hear it but I got it.

Hi, my name is April and I can't live without my meds, it doesn't matter how slowly I decrease the dosage.

A few people have asked the cost ect...
I have done some research and it is not going to be as much as I thought to continue my meds. I thought it was going to be around 600 a month for all three. Now I think it is less than 200. The next step is making an appointment with a psychiatrist (and I have no idea what that will be)before I run out of pills. I am encouraged.

It is certainly more than I can afford right now but I will trust that things will work out.

I have decisions that need made and actions I need to take. I have been ignoring things in my life that need addressed. I had shut down for a few weeks (maybe over a month).

Shut down because Satan was trapping me in my shame. This last week I've really been thinking about how Satan wins when we are silent. Silent to even those who care.

Thanks to all who love me and continue to encourage me to be the person that they believe I am made to be. Thanks to all who accept me in my mess, who have reminded who I am when I have forgotten. You are amazing.

Huck's gas station

Friday, I went to Hucks to get gas and a car wash. Who knew it would turn into such ‘the ordeal’?

To preface, I am not proud of the following events. In the interest of honesty, transparency, and accountability, I feel the need to share.

I got gas.
I walked into Hucks to pay, having already decided to get a car wash because of all the bird poop.
Most gas stations have an incentive; buy a car wash and get 10 cents off a gallon.
So I pay.
I look at my receipt and it did not reflect the discount. I ask the man behind the counter. Let's call him Bad Attitude Mac. BAM

Me: don't you get 10 cents off a gallon when you buy a car wash?
BAM: You have to ask for it.
Me: why do I have to ask for it?
BAM: We don't just give free money away to anyone.
Me: (looking down at my receipt, and placing it on the counter) Well then, I'm asking for it.
BAM: *sighs* (gets huffy and says) Well, I'm going to have to go get the manager, its going to be three or four minutes. (acting like three or four minutes is an eternity)
Me: Okay, you don't need to be so rude about it.
BAM: I don't have an attitude.
...three or four minutes later...
BAM: Here is your 70 cents.
Me: Where is your manager?
BAM: She is in the back.
Me: I want to talk to her, Now.
BAM: After I take care of these customers.
Me: no, I'll just go back there and knock on the door and talk with her.

The conversation with the manager was just an overview of what happened, and how rude BAM was to me. She reluctantly admitted that he should not have said that and that sometimes they just forget to give the discount. She also informed me that the 70 cents BAM gave me was from her pocket. To which I replied, I'm not going to be thankful for that. I didn't ask you to give it to me out of your pocket. BAM should not have been such a jerk to me, it is not good customer service.

So I leave.
Irritated.I drive around to the car wash and punch in the code.

While waiting for the car in front of me to finish, I spot it. Out of the corner of my eye I see the sign, saying;

Nowhere on the sign does it say, "but only if you ask for it".

Something came over me and I dial the number on the top of my receipt.
And here comes my real shining moment:
BAM: answers
Me: I was just in there, and I want you to know that I am sitting here in front of the car wash and I'm looking at the big 10 cents off sign and it says NOTHING about having to ask for the discount. You really need to check your attitude.
I hang up.

Then I drove into the wash, and as the water soaked my car, I melted down and sobbed.

So there is my story in all it ugliness, naked and exposed.

Lets Get This Party Started!

Hello, please come on in.
I am April.
I am 27.
I am single.
I am one of the few non-mommy bloggers out there (I think). However, I do have an niece (her mom is one of my best friends) who will soon be a big sister, when she says 'I Love you Auntie April' my heart melts! and I totally understand the addictive nature of children.

Holding my niece the day after she was born changed me in some intangible (but wonderful way.) She is now 3 ½ going on 15. Here is a video of ‘Little Miss’ from a while ago, and a picture of her now.

sorry, I have no idea how to rotate the video

Some would call me crafty.

I really love to decorate and organize spaces

I love to scrapbook and make cards

I am interested in photography (who isn't)

I think my dog little bit is the cutest (see below post)

I love making my mom laugh

I have never been kissed (am patiently waiting)

I am diagnosed with depression and am not ashamed

Predictability in relationships makes me feel safe

I love to sing (am excited to sing in church this Sunday)

I am always ready to play some scrabble

Some would say that I have OCD, I call them Quirks

I hate wearing shoes and will avoid at all costs wearing a coat

I am forever striving to be more optomistic...it comes and goes :)

and I really like s'mores

My only celebrity crush is Mr. Matt Damon

Consequently my favorite movie is Good Will Hunting (However, taking out the *F* word would make it much more family friendly)

I am also hopelessly addicted to TV. I work nights in a group home so there is A LOT of down time. Recently I discovered ‘The West Wing’ series on DVD, I have watched all seven seasons and loved them all. The show really draws you into the characters. It is funny and can make you cry. You definitely want to think that this is really the way the real White House runs.

I am a Christian, I love Jesus and strive to be like him daily. I don't always (most of the time) succeed, and for that I am eternally thankful for the grace that is so freely given. Jesus makes us free, he does not load us down in a sea of rules. Simply love him, let him take your heart, and he will lead you.

Also, I love blogging. I am excited to visit your sites, and hope that you will continue to visit mine.

Have a fantastic week of blog partying!

There are so many cool prizes to be won at this year’s Ultimate Blog Party, but my top three picks would be:
USC 21 — Free Fotomural - Custom black and white photo tiled mural on card stock
15 — A pair of ChicBud Earphones with Swarovski CrystalsProvided by: The IE Mommy
41 — Your choice of our Simply Precious Photo Tile Necklace ($110), or our key clasp style Boston Locket ($185)Provide by: Elemental Memories

And if my top three picks are already chosen, I’d love any of the following (in order of preference):
intl 33, intl 1, intl 36, intl 28, intl 23, intl 35, 9, 58, 100, 102, usc 57, usc 27, 89, 2, 12, 13, 19, 21, 22, 26, 27, 38, 43, 50, 51, 56, 67, 76, 91, 106, 118, 114, 119, intl 2, intl 30, intl 48, intl 51, usc 2, usc 3, usc 6, usc 28, usc 44, usc 67, usc 56, usc 47, usc 53

Blog Party Prize Giveaway #115

*I am excited to participate in the 2009 Ultimate Blog Party prize give away, I am number #115. Click on the picture and it will take you to the website explaining all about the party and how to particiapte in order to win my great personalized prizes.

*I am a novice in the blogging world. The look, creative writing, and orginality in the blogs that I visit inspire me. I am quickly becoming addicited to getting to know others lives, the honesty and openness is what real 'community' is all about.

*I would like to give away one of the mattes that I like to make for pictures. The company I've started is called;

Collaboration

You pick the color.

You pick the pictures.

I do the work.

*So good luck in winning. I will want to know what colors you will like and if there is a special picture that can dictate the theme of the matte. Also I am including a kit that includes all you need to make your own coaster set.

*Please take a visit of my blog, I hope that you enjoy it and I am looking forward to getting to know many more bloggers.

Operation Cootie Catcher

My mission (and oh yeah! I choose to accept) is to destroy whatever is in this house that is attacking me and making me so miserable. OH the Itching....It HAS to STOP NOW!

Step one was schleping the big power vac from the garage into the living room.

Once in the room you couldn't stop me. I was at war, at war against invisible powers, I am convinced I will win. I mean I am bigger than them and I think I'm smarter than they are. I talk about them like i know what is making me itch. I have NO idea what it is. I deceided to stop trying to figure it out and relented that coming to a peacful ending was not possible. Therefore, I declared war. All should be scared.

First I vaccumed the couch, 3 times. Next was my mattress I vaccumed the heck out of it three times and then two more times after I put the clean fitted sheet on there. Then I vaccumed the couch in my room three times. If felt good to do something, whether it works or not we will see. Only a day of living in it and a night sleeping in the bed will tell me if I can stop wondering when the itching is going to start.

Next and most importantly is the dog. Poor baby (10 year old) little bit.

She is not allowed on the couches or my bed for a few days until we can figure out if I have become magically allergic to her.

I got her into the bathroom and she SO knew what was going on.

Her ears dropped and her face got all sad looking. I put her in the tub and got her all wet, next I poured on the shampoo and rubbed, rubbed, rubbed making the lather.

Then you have to just WAIT for 5 min letting the shampoo do its magic.

I'm sure when little bit journals about her day later she will say that I kept her in the bathtub prision for hours.

Now, the five minutes are up and as I am rinsing off the shampoo, little bit is getting excited because she knows that we are going to be done soon.

I declare her clean, throw a towel over her and carry her like a baby lay her on the floor of the living room. Rub Rub Rub a Dub she is as dry as she is going to allow. The second she feels free she goes nuts...runing all over the house rubbing on things and shaking. I think maybe she does it because she feels too clean and needs to get some scents on her. I don't know...and I don't need to know because it is just dang FUNNY

Lastly I wanted to shar a sampling of all the product (lets call it ammo) I've had to use in this war against the Itching. The only thing I can't show is the steroid shot that the urgent care person gave me in my hiney. By far the best thing is the benedryl spray (fantastic). Lanacane would work if I only itched in a little area. The Aveeno oatmeal bath was nice but not all that effective. Benedryl pills work but make you tired, so take caution and note of what time of day it is when you pop those babies into your mouth.

Thanks for sharing my journy....I hope for it to end soon. pray for it to end soon. It HAS to end soon. Like I said in a previous post, it is like getting poked to death with a dull stick.

Side Effects

I'm scared.

I have 22 pills left of the medicine I take for depression and anxiety. To buy them retail (without insurance), is astronomical.

In order to not experience what can be debilitating withdrawal side effects, I am allocating what if left. I am tapering as much as I can. I have been doing this for about a week now and am noticing some side effects.

*Dizziness
*Nausea (intense a few times a day)
*Increase in being emotional and
*Not sleeping very well

I am nervous about how intense these symptoms are going to get and what state I am going to be like once I am completely off. I do not wish for anxiety and depression to come back into my life. I have never completely been healed, nor has that ever been the expected outcome. I just want to live life present. I want to be engaged, I want to be safe.

I’m asking for your prayers during this time of transition. I’ve been ‘withdrawal’ing emotionally and physically the past month or so. Red Flag!!! I know, I know. I have an amazing group of genuine people surrounding me. The problem being that I don’t know how to accept that acceptance.

Thanks for reading; I should try to go to bed now. I took two Tylenol PM hours ago and not so much tired. Mom has jury duty tomorrow (technically today) and is not going to go back to work when she is done. I’m excited because we are going to go eat and do some thrift store, it will be nice.

Shower Moment

I sang in the shower today. I sang songs that I used to LOVE. Songs sang when I was on the worship team in Manteno. The words of these songs put words to the thoughts of my heart.

Hungry I come to you For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You So I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all This heart is living for
Broken I run to You For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch Restores my life
So I wait for You So I wait for You

Break me, Lord
I need you to break me
Break me, Lord
I need you to break me
Broken before you I stand
Needing the touch of your hand
Desperate for your embrace
One glimpse of your lovely face
Heal me, Lord
I need you heal me
Heal me, Lord
I need you heal me
Safe in your presence I sing
Hidden in your healing wings
Clothed in a garment of grace
The winds of the world I can face
Cover me, Lord
I need you to cover me
Cover me, Lord
I need you to cover me

Wonderful Savior My heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always The blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior My heart will know Your worth
So I will embrace You always As I walk this earth
Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You oh Lord Here I am
Beautiful Jesus How may I bless Your heart?
Knees to the earth I bow down to everything You are
Beautiful Jesus You are my only worth
So I will embrace You always As I walk this earth

Abba father
My defender
You are holy
I surrender
In my weakness
You protect me
When my heart strays
You correct me
And I cry
Abba father
I love you daddy
Abba father
I love you
I love you
Daddy

So Beautiful

Mosaic

again I have stolen a blog game thing I've like from someone else.

1. Type the answers to the following questions into flickr search

what is your first name? April
what is your favorite food? rolls
what high school did you go to? Southridge
what is your favorite color? Pink
who is your celebrity crush? Matt Damon
favorite drink? Dr. Pepper
dream vacation? India
favorite dessert? Banana puddn’
what do you want to be when you grow up? stable
what do you love most in life? decorating
one word to describe you? artistic
where do you live? Huntingburg, IN

2. Use only the first page to pick an image.

3. Select the size of boxes as 3 by 4

4. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker

I am. . . What about You?

I am… watching, episodes of shows I’ve missed, on my computer
I think… that I am going to have a good week
I know… my redeemer lives I want… a miche bag (really bad) http://www.michebag.com/home I have… to start my car over three times to get it to start it is embarrassing
I wish…. I didn’t struggle with some mental illnesses
I hate… disingenuous people
I miss… my best friend
I fear… being along
I feel… scared
I hear… God whispering
I smell… the clean house
I regret... the really bad debt I got into and can’t pay back
I love… my mom
I care… too much about how other perceive me
I always… have good intentions
I am not… disposable
I believe… I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I don't feel it, And I believe in God even when He is silent
I dance… if you can call it dancing
I sing… every chance I get
I write… on my blog
I win... when I don’t let depression defeat me
I lose… when I become anxious
I never… I don't know what I never...you tell me :)
I listen… before I make up my mind on issues
I can usually be found… in front of the TV while cleaning, blogging, and crafting
I’m scared of… being stuck
I read… at the moment mostly blogs, I really do love reading and love when I find a good book
I forget… just about everything lately
I just… wanna live honestly with no excuses and no pretext
I am happy about… who God chose me to be
I found these questions on someones elses blog and thought it was interesting, what are your answered to these questions?

I'm Free!

I'm free! Monday has come at last. A new week has come. God willing I will get no calls asking me to work, and I will have no trips to urgent care.

My hope is;
For warm spring weather
For long walks with little bit
Finding an interesting topic to learn about at the library
That I will let go of my expectations of a clean house
Most importantly, the I am positive above all else

My old house was perfect. All things had a place, and most of the time they were there. We had a dishwasher, so there was never a back up of dishes, the carpet didn't show the dirt, and all the walls were nicely painted.

dining room old house

living room old house


living room old house

Now, the dishes are never always caught up, Christopher has no idea how to put anything away, the wood floors always feel dusty, no one seems to care that cords show or clutter is on display, and everything is just old (walls need painting, things needs recaulking, and the bathroom is just well A LOT of tiles).

I am learning to live with it and hope to embrace it...soon.

my bedroom

dining room

bathroom...completly tiles floor included

living room

all the cords!!

I've discovered our house isn't worse than others. Scars may haunt me from growing up in a trailer. I never volunteered that I lived in a trailer, there was innate shame that came with the lot rent. You aren't good enough to have a yard, you aren't worth enough to have your own mailbox, you are trash. 'Trailer Trash' that term came from somewhere. There is always truth in stereotypes, I did not want to be that truth. To this day I won't grow my hair long because I think it looks 'trailer trashy' on me all flat and stringy like I haven't washed it in a week.

"Not Me!" Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to http://www.mycharmingkids.net">her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This is my first try at 'Not Me Mondays'

I did not fall asleep at work because I took Benedryl for my itching (see post below)

I did not have to paint my nails three times in two hours because I'm too impatient to wait for the polish to completely dry.

I did not have a breakdown and hang up on my mom. Nope, I would never do that. Holla! to all the mamas out there who love us when we are ugly.