Now I understand what Love is

Since being home I have had the great pleasure to re-learn my dog. Take her on walks, feed her good food, rub her belly, make her a bed and buy fleece blankets at the thrift store to make sure she is warm. Currently she is on her bed completly covered by a blanket sleeping soundly. Now if I were to even tip-toe into the kitchen she would be up and awake ready to snarf down any morsel of food that might potentially be dropped on the floor.

I've watched a lot of the show the dog whisper and have tried to become a pack leader, but there is no fooling Little Bit, she runs the show. She listens pretty well and knows when she is in trouble her ears go down and she slinks behind a chair until she feels safe to come out again. Her most repeated offense is digging through the trash or climbing on things (like a desk) to get some food. One would think that we don't feed her, really I think she has a medical problem. If she could be fixed though I wouldn't want it, she is so cute when she begs, her little ears floping one way and another, looking at you with those eyes, she knows I will relent. Today it was a carrot out of my beef stew she attacked the fork like it was live prey, good think I didn't give it to her with my hand.

I don't have kids yet, I have a beautiful neice in wisconsin who makes my spirit happy when I walk into a room and she is so genuninly happy to see me there, a dog is definalty the next best thing to K running up and giving me a big hug. Little Bit is always very happy to see me when I come in, it is cheesy but I can tell that she has missed me, and when I leave at night for work, she looks at me with a blank stare saying where do you think you are going.

Longing for the Good Ole Days

As a result of the rise in gas prices and the 'not so great' economy, businesses are forced to subject the public to RIDICULOUS rules.

"Hate with a passion" is the phrase that I would use to convey the way I feel about gas stations that make you pay before you pump (when paying with cash).

There are several things that are maddening about this practice. The most frustrating being; I don't have a CLUE as to how to figure out how much gas it will take to fill up my tank. If I guess 20 dollars I have to walk inside, probably wait in line, pay the cashier and go back to my car to fill up. Now, if 20 was more money than would fit into my tank, I have to walk back inside, wait AGAIN in a line, explain that I need money back, get it and finally go back to my car to drive away. Yes, I need the exercise. Yes, I probably have the time to jump through their hoops.

Have you felt the whip of wind on a brisk -10 degree morning, jumping up and down as the gas is pouring into the tank cursing how the wind goes right through a pair of jeans. Or, have you stood on an unfinished rainy day thinking 'why did I do my hair? Now I am going to walk into the meeting smelling like wet hair spray.'

It is just the principle of the matter, I will pay for the gas, I am the customer. Have people outside ready to take my money from me. Why does paying cash feel like a punishment?

Deep Breath...I'm better now! :)

Wasted Week?

I am sitting here thinking about the last week and how it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Obviously, my body knows that it needs to be changed in sleeping and so I have been up in the middle of the night all week, sleeping during the day and feeling just kind of out of sorts and sick feeling all week.

I had a list of things to accomplish this week and got a fair amount of those things completed. The attic is now cleaned out and organized, the wood floors were mopped/swiffered making the house the sanctuary that I need it to be. I went to church on Wednesday night and Sunday morning church/Sunday school, I am really glad that I am going regularly to church again but it is a BIG change from not really going to church for over a year. Also while I love my church the music is very different than I am used to having sung on a praise team. The same songs I have practiced and learned well are sung at different tempos with different notes and I find myself getting distracted. I got to spend an afternoon with a great friend talking and sharing over some wonderful noble Romans bread sticks with hgtv in the background. I took the dog for one walk, not seven, but to my defense it got COLD! I talked to some friends on the phone and learned that I will be an honorary aunt to a new nephew and could not be more excited that he is coming the end of June. I was able to spend a great lunch with my pastor and his wife at their favorite resturant (los bravos) it is always fun to laugh share and catch up.

Good news, I believe that I have lost at least another pound. I know that you are not supposed to weigh yourself everyday but I find that it really helps me to keep track that I am staying consistent. I don't eat well, I love carbs and I think most all vegetables taste like the dirt they came from, this has resulted in my body rebelling, getting achy, drained, and run down. I have in the past taken this great liquid vitamin called To Your Health. It gave me great energy and helped me alot. I stopped taking it only for the reason that it cost 40 dollars a month and I didn't have the extra money. At present I don't have the extra money but decided that I can't continue to feel so run down and that it is just not possible for me to change my diet as drastically as needed to get the vitamins I need and would end up paying that same amount a month trying to get the foods I need. So I am beyond excited to get the package in the mail this week. I pray that this will give me the boost that I need to start participating in my life again. The past few weeks I have withdrawn.

My Love Affair with Fake Nails

Two months ago I peeled off my fake nails in the name of saving money. French nails were my favorite so classy, so timeless. Beyond the obvious asthetic benefits of fake nails there are several other reasons why I loved them so much.

#1 you can get a good satisfying scratch
#2 they magicaly protect one from getting hangnails of any kind
#3 they made my short chubby fingers look longer and thinner.
#4 sometimes you splurge and get a pedicure while you are there.

Alas, this season of pampering has become a dream, a place that I aspire to live again. Its probably for the better, I mean I was getting a bit spoiled and need to learn how to go without my wants. Wants quickly distiguise themselves as needs when you give into them for too long.

p.s As a side note I would like to express my disgust with the practice of allowing young girls to get fake nails. Who are these parents and in what universe did they think this was acceptable. Recently, I was at a function where some kids were playing and someone was hurt. A few minutes later I saw what happened and a little girl was in A LOT of pain because one of her nails broke off. Believe me I know the pain, it hurts more than you can imagine when you lose a nail. Looking at her small nail bleeding, I felt for her. No child is capable of making the choice to get fake nails, even if the pain is described all she sees are the pretty nails, the chance to be like adults. When I looked into those tear filled eyes there was no adult, only a scared litle girl that was a victim to a choice she should have never been given. Is it wrong that I feel so strongly about this?

Thoughts on working through the night

So tonight starts my fifth 8pm to 8am shift at work. The last four nights have felt like two weeks. The night is quiet, the night is boring and the night is lonely. I had expectations for the down time I would have at this job. I would do devotions every night. I could exercise for a 1/2 to Mr. Richard Simmons and that would only take 1/24 of my night. Anyone who knows me knows that I can clean. Once the clients are in bed and the cleaning is done there is nothing to do but watch tv shows on dvd (gilmore girls, M.A.S.H.), late night infommercials (a later blog), sudoku, reading, and oh yeah...snacking. This week I did one devotional and to tell the truth I don't remember what it was about. I need to push myself. We will see, I will continue to remember that Perfection is not the goal.

Thoughts on Reconciliation

rec⋅on⋅cil⋅i⋅a⋅tion 
 /ˌrɛkənˌsɪliˈeɪʃən/ Pronunciation [rek-uhn-sil-ee-ey-shuhn]
–noun
1.
an act of reconciling or the state of being reconciled.
2.
the process of making consistent or compatible.

*
Can love heal?
Can I accept without approving?
Can a friendship really be renewed ?
*
We are:
Two people on one road
One road with two maps
Two maps of two worlds
Two worlds one God
NO !
one God one way one road one world
only love, only grace... only forgivness
*
My tears are dried
I have new life
I am a new creation
*
We are not made to love a little,
little love is no love
*
I will always believe in shooting for the moon, the chances I've taken in life have made me who I am, I like her
*
Repeated history
New story
Different ending
*
Questions remain

Matt Damon

10 Reasons I am infatuated with Matt Damon:

1. He is HOT (Obviously)

2. He went to Harvard

3. He wrote the BEST movie ever (Good Will Hunting)

4. He is a nice guy

5. He is HOT (did I mention that already?)

6. His smile is amazing! (not bad eyes either)

7. I can respect 95% of the movies he does

8. He is funny (intelligent, witty)

9. He is HOT

10. His smile literally makes me melt

Cole Slaw

Two days ago mom made coleslaw....

The house smells like well, coleslaw.

It is NASTY and somehow permeates the ENTIRE house.

I don't understand how it can linger like this.

Dear God

Dear God

I have no idea where I am going

I do not see the road ahead of me

I cannot know for certain where it will end

Nor do I really know myself...

and the fact that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so

But I believe this:

I believe that the desire to please you

does in fact please you.

I hope that I have that desire

in everything I do.

I hope I never persist in

anything apart from that desire

And I know that if I do this you

will lead me by the right road,

Though I may know nothing about it at the time.
Therefore I will trust you always,

for though I may be lost

and in the shadow of death

I will not be afraid,

because I know that you will never

leave me to face my troubles all alone.

Amen

author unknown

Hungry

Somehow in the last couple of weeks I have lost around 12 lbs. It happened suddenly without effort. The moment I become aware that I was capable to lose weight, it became a chore, an obsession. I am hungry all the time. Hungry in part because I have moved in with my mom and no longer eat as a lonely, bored, single person. There is not chocolate hidden in the coffeetable, or oreos in the cabinet. I gotta confess that it makes ya kind of cranky to feel hungry, and not want to eat that which used to give you satisfaction. I could really go for a s'more right now. I have not been convicted enough to stop drinking soda, or going to Wendy's. There are limits! Currently I am under 300 pounds for the first time in at least a year and a half, 15 more pounds and I will feel safe that I will not go to that number again. I have been 'big' all my life that I can remember. Never have I tried and failed to lose weight. Simply, I have never tried to lose weight. We'll see where this leads.

Success

I passed the written driving test yesterday. It is amazing how much easier it is when you have read the book. Studying helps CRAZY huh? Just thought I would share my picture. Its bad.

Failure

Today i went to change my drivers license from IL to IN and had to take a new written test. I failed. I can't believe I failed, the sign portion is hard because they want you to know the sign simply by the shape. I need context, no sign is only the shape...

So just having finished reading the Indiana driver manual from cover to cover I am frustrated and disappointed with myself, and just plain don't want to go back to the DMV tomorrow. I must however because my new job requires an IN drivers license. Wish me luck.

Exhausted, but not enough to sleep

It is 3:00 in the morning the day after new years. So I guess that makes me a bit late on the resolution front. I find that it is not resolutions that i make but rather, I end up making a list of character traits I would like to have a better hold on by the end of the year.

Last year I knew that I was going to be taking a journey to a clinic for anxiety and depression and that my life would completly change from that experience as long I put my all into the treatment. My All is just what I did and I came out of that experience healthier, calmer, less paranoid, and better able to let life happen learning to take responsibility for only the things I can, and to leave the rest to the others God is leading to do their part. I have adopted the idea that if something is not 'eternal' then it is not worth the energy it takes to get upset.

So after trying to finish decorating the house today, after putting all the christmas decorations away, and finally deciding to face the new year I am ready to put into words the 'resolutions' I would like to make for this year.

#1 Integrity (character); I want integrity, satan is so powerful in making you believe that doing a certian something insn't a big deal, but am I the same in the light that I am in the dark? In all honestly I don't think so, that I would and can change.

#2 Servanthood; I want the desire to voulenteer, I always think that I want to and then I don't take advantage of oppourtunities that I have. With the new job I work one week on and one week off and will have the time to find something to invest in. I wonder what that will be?

#3 this post still under construction