Friday, April 30, 2010

Cause or Effect

Lie

cause: if I order hats and make scarves

effect: I will lose my hair

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Late last night, in preparation of my impending hair loss, I spent a couple of hours hemming and hawing over which hats to order…I thought I had my choices made…I was waiting to show mom tonight and then click to send the order off…I mean I have to allow for shipping time right? I will feel better having at least one well fitting hat in my possession by the end of next week…that is when the hair loss COULD start…I HATE not knowing when it will start.

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This morning, I became paralyzed…that amount was TOO much for hats…I thought…I don’t need five I just need those three…yep, those three will be good…WAIT! are those the right colors? is that the right hat? what if we get it and they don’t look right? I wish there was a cancer hat store in the area…maybe there is…I should wait to order until I find out…You need to take a deep breath after reading that rambling right? I know I do…maybe I was thinking…

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IF

I DON’T ORDER A HAT

THEN

I WON’T LOSE MY HAIR

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yep, I’ve decided that is what I was thinking

makes sense right?

I think so…

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Truth

cause: My hair WILL fall out

effect: I will need to find hats and make scarves

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Tonight we went grocery shopping because tomorrow it is supposed to rain cats, dogs, cows, and butterflies…while at Wal-Mart we checked out the fabric and found some on sale that we could play at making scarves with…

P4300340I love the texture of the green one and the pattern of the blue and gold one…I thought the other two were nice subtle colors…I’ve looked on-line for patterns and ideas but I think we will start simple and just make some large squares to play with…

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I’m feeling the beginning of an internal freak out about losing my hair…it is scary…

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Lastly for tonight, I thought I would give a little tutorial for those who might not know how to leave a comment on any of my posts…I copied some screens to show you how…you know if you wanna…

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…at the bottom of the post after my signature click where it says comments

Screenshot - 5_1_2010 , 1_20_54 AM

this is the screen you will be taken to…where it says comment as: select profile, click on the down arrow and choose anonymous…

bloggercommentscreenshot 

this is now how your screen should look (select profile will now say anonymous), you can write your comment, just remember to sign your name so I will know who you are…

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Mom had mentioned someone saying they weren’t sure how to comment and I figured if there was one person there might be more so here ya go!

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Until Later!

Why I Love My Stretch Marks

By Heatherlady ~ (a sweet Latter Day Saint woman)

 

Do you remember that part in Gone With the Wind when Scarlet has just had her baby and is upset because Mammy can only get her corset laced up to 21 inches instead of her pre-pregnancy 19 inches?


Mammy tells her, "Honey child, you done had a baby. You ain't never gun a be 19 inches again."


I think those are some of the wisest words of the entire show and lately they have been circulating through my mind a lot.

My little nursling will be 7 months old soon and my body is still not back to how it was before I was pregnant with her. Even though I've been back to my original weight for a few months (breastfeeding works wonders on my metabolism) my body is still different. I'm sure you wouldn't notice anything by looking at me, but I've lived in my body for a quarter of century and I can tell you that things aren't the same as before-- my hips are wider, my chest is a bit more saggy, my core muscles aren't quite as tight, and I have six purple marks on my side that remind me my belly really can stretch to an unfathomable size.

I just have to keep telling myself, "Heather child, you done had two babies. Your body ain't never gun a be the same again."

It has taken me awhile to come to terms with it, but it is true. No matter how hard I try my body is never gone to be the same as it was before I had my children. My children are literally parts of myself and they exist because my body sacrificed blood, cells, calcium, iron and millions of other particles to make them. I am literally missing pieces of my body that I will never be able to get back because they are now walking, talking, breathing, laughing, crying, and living in the form of two beautiful children. Becoming a mother, even if you don't physically give birth to a child, requires a huge sacrifice from your body and spirit. It is a sacrifice, that greatly parallels the sacrifice made by our Savior. 
Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, the Savior has graven thee upon the palms of His hands. For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice--the sacrifice of begetting life--for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth" 
It gives me strength to remember that just as Christ bears marks in his hands, feet and side as symbols of his blood sacrifice; I too have stretch marks on my side that bear testimony to my sacrifice of blood and my willingness to bring life into the world. I find strength to go forward with my mothering by remembering that just as Christ's body was resurrected, making him complete physically and spiritually, that my body is constantly renewing itself and that one day I too will be complete, physically and spiritually. I also know that my joy is more full because of my children and that because of the sacrifice my body has made life will go forward and my family will go on eternally.

So for all the mothers out there I want to remind you to rejoice in your stretch marks, to be grateful for your extra weight and wider hips, to accept your c-section scar, and to find joy in the tired bags under your eyes because they are symbols of your sacrifice.

For all you who have yet to become mothers I want to remind you to rejoice in the blood you shed each month because it is a beautiful symbol of hope and it bears testimony to the promise of continuing life.

And for all you women who are struggling with loving and accepting your body I want to remind you that anything or anyone that belittles, exploits, demeans, or mistrusts your body is not from God. Your body is beautiful, mind boggling amazing, and so deeply symbolic of Christ. Also, remember that in the eternal scheme of things-- frankly my dear, no one will give a darn.=)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sufficient Grace

This is a bit of a disjointed post and maybe that reflects my state of mind…I don’t know…what I do know is that I will continue to be transparent…journey with me or not, know that I like living an open life and those who know me know my heart and that is safety enough for me…
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Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough;
it's all you need.
My strength
comes into its own
in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)
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This week has been been two bad days and two good. Monday and Tuesday were the worst…I was super nauseous and just the thought of food made my stomach churn…I couldn’t walk more than a minute before having to sit down, while making toast on Monday I couldn’t even stand there to wait for it to pop up…it was pathetic!
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Sleep hasn’t been as refreshing as I though it would be #1 because I am being woken up at 5:30 a.m. every morning for the PICC-Line…and #2…in an effort to be ‘real’ I’m going to share that…apparently chemo=constipation (something I’ve never had a problem with until the last three weeks or so)…I’m taking pills twice a day, eating bran flakes every morning, and drinking some dulcolax dissolved in juice twice a day…I am not exaggerating when I say that last night I dreamt about pooping…seriously, it is outta control…all sense of privacy is apparently gone when get diagnosed with a serious illness…Dr. M has been adamant that this can become a serious problem if we don’t stay on top of it so I am doing my best to follow all directions…just as I am trying to do with all his directions…I may not be a rule follower, but I know when I have to buck up and do what I am told…
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I’ve had people ask me if I have been sick a lot and I have to say, I think, I would rather have thrown up more than I did if it meant that I wouldn’t have had a constant sour stomach…we took like 7 of those blue collapsible bags from the hospital to put around the house incase I can’t get to the bathroom in time (which I gotta say that is a possibility, the urge to purge just comes outta no where sometimes) they are small (easy to hide), and so nice to have on hand…
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Wednesday:
I had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. for a PICC line dressing change, blood work, and doctors appointment. So after mom woke me up at 5:30 to flush the PICC line we wrapped it up in plastic wrap and foam tape so I could take a shower and get ready for my morning…The night before I was really worried I wouldn’t have the energy to get to the hospital on my own and was pleasantly surprised when I got out of the shower and I didn’t want to collapse…That was the start to a good day, I ran some errands after the doctors and then came home for a nap…
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The doctor said that my lab work looked good, that I was doing everything right, and that the bone marrow looked good (which I am assuming to mean that there is no cancer in the blood marrow)…He said because of that I am stage 3 lymphoma…I go in weekly to get my PICC-Line dressing changed and May 14th is my next scheduled R-CHOP chemo treatment…I will go in around 7 a.m. and be there for a good 8 hrs because I will first get blood taken and see the doctor before the chemo starts…
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Wednesday night I was excited to get to go to church and see everyone…mom was concerned with touching and hugging so she bought me some antibacterial hand stuff on her way home from work (such a mom thing to do), I know they said I need to be careful and that the chemo really upsets your immune system but I am not sure to what extent I need to be careful and that is a question I need to remember to ask the next time I am there…I do well enough isolating myself from the world when I am not sick so I don’t want to use this as an excuse to crawl even more into myself…
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Church was great…it was not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be,…I am glad I went and will try to continue to be venerable, open, thankful, and loveable through this…I am changing as my world changes, and so far the good out weighs the bad…how crazy is that?
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Thursday:
Today, I felt just a little bit better and was able to sweep the house, clean a little and finish up unpacking and organizing things from when I was gone…it feels SO GOOD…all that is left is to fold those three loads of laundry I washed…unfortunately no matter how long I look at them they do not hang and fold themselves…anyone have any tricks to get those clothes moving on their own?
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God continues to be faithful in meeting our needs…needs we never even knew were coming…who would have thought about supplies for flushing the PICC-Line every 12 hours and 6 prescriptions when getting discharged from the hospital…certainly not me…I’ve never done the hospital thing before and I am blissfully naive and inexperienced when it comes to things like that…
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As we try to be responsible with what God is supplying, we are able to meet our immediate and near future needs…this is of course an amazing blessing for me, but more over and calming for me, I feel it is a HUGE blessing for my mom, she has had such a great and supportive attitude through this, never mentioning my having to miss work and possibly work part time when I return…(according to how my chemo schedule works out)…her attitude my entire life has been to work hard, do what you can, and figure out the difference…she has never told me I can’t do something and has always supported as much as she can in the choices that I make…she believes in what I am capable more than I…and works harder than anyone I know…she sure doesn’t deserve to have a daughter with cancer…
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Hey, did I mention, I have cancer (it is still not registering with me so, I need to bluntly say it once in a while)
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Last night I was thinking about how inconsistent and unfaithful I have been in following God’s path for my life these past (almost) 29 years…then I thought about how blessed we are to serve a God is who is consistently faithful to his children…
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P.S. A couple of days ago I was alerted through an e-mail of something going on, and while I am anxious to share I want to wait until I have all the information…first clue…it is pretty AMAZING!

More Than Toast & Pots & Pans


It was fascinating, the way she cut those onions. I moved a little closer and mouthed, "Wow, what a great trick." She didn't even have to look. Her hands worked the knife and the vegetables as if they were directing themselves, with no need of mind or eyes. Chop, chop, she was humming to the rhythm and her gaze was far away. No onion tears, just a sweet content in her eyes as they rested on the blue calm of the lake, which filled the window view.
She was a true heroine in my eyes, my Nana. To be able to perform such a feat without even looking got my awe any day. "How come you don't cut yourself?" I wanted to know. This was likely the fiftieth question I had asked in the last quarter of an hour, but there's a lot you've just got to find out when you're eight years old.
She turned and appraised me with a half smile. "When you get to my age, you don't even have to think about it," she said.
I decided then and there that growing old didn't seem such a bad idea. If I ended up anything like my Nana, I would even look forward to it. And then kerwoosh, (well, it sounded something like that anyway) she tossed the onions into the pan and I clapped my hands in glee and inhaled the aroma.
My grandparent's kitchen - I shall never forget its atmosphere. I may have only been eight, more years ago than I would like to count, but the memory is as vivid as if it was...well, as if I was there right now. I can still smell the soup simmering in the large pot. I can still see her preparing the meal and hear the regular call to my grandfather, "Keep that fire going now, we want the kitchen to stay warm." And it was warm but not only in the temperature sense. The warmth nestled in the very vibes of the air with happiness and security. It pervaded because she was there. If it wasn't one of the three main meals keeping her busy, there was always a fruit loaf to bake or a new healthy dessert recipe to try. Or she'd sit at the small round table and write letters to friends, gazing at the lake now and then for her inspiration.
Perched on my stool, watching her through those childhood eyes, I learned that the kitchen is more than just a room. Its significance goes beyond a feeding facility. Her kitchen had a heart beat. Though she may not have been young, there was more life there than the local coffee house.
It was there in that kitchen where she welcomed friends and those who were lonely. An herb tea made in a pottery teapot and “something nourishing to eat” were the items on her menu during visiting hours...though there never seemed to be a closing time. But it wasn't just for the home- made food they came. It was the listening ear she offered and the well-chosen words of counsel. Her kitchen was not only a place to feed the hungry; it was a psychiatry office with a stool for a couch.
It was never a place or drudgery for Nana. Certainly, she often worked hard and there would be piles of dishes, pots boiling over, steam and a little bit of sweat. But the mundane chores couldn't dampen her pleasure of serving others. It's been said that the only way to true happiness is by helping others - this worked for her. Her smile told everyone so. So did the songs which she hummed and sometimes belted forth, so loud you'd wonder how such a small woman could summon such decibels. I've heard her sing Amazing Grace at phenomenal volume. Shoulders straight, hands clasped, she'd let it fly.  Looking back, I've wondered whether she ever felt less than successful woman when the liberation movement swept the world. There she was, a housewife, and to add to the stereotype - a seamstress. That doesn't spell 'ultimate fulfillment' in feminist language. But I only know what I saw and I never saw anything other than a fulfilled woman.
The tasks she accomplished everyday were not demeaning to her intelligence as far as she was concerned and her opinion was the one that counted. She didn't need liberating because she never considered herself repressed. In fact, she loved the kitchen. And so simply, that's why we did too.
The announcement of an intended visit to our grandparents would ignite in us children an excitement much too wild to suppress. "Yippee!" we'd yell and dance around the house. "We're going to see them, Yeah!"
"I've got the window seat," one of us would yell.
"No way, you had it last time." Inevitably a rip-roaring argument would ensue but as it was a regular part of the hysteria no one really minded. We were off to see Nana and Granddad and nothing could dampen our spirits, not even when the arguing sometimes turned to thumping.
We'd arrive at their home after a day's long trip and leap out of the car, scattering peanuts and pillows on to the driveway. It was a race to the front door. Up the wooden steps, through the overhanging ferns, up and up, panting and running until we reached the front door and there they were, waiting for us.
"How's my best mates?" Granddad would boom, squeezing each one of us in a hug that never failed to squash out spare breath. Then we'd head straight for the kitchen, six children, a set of parents and two more in their golden age, with their arms around one another and as many of us as they could capture. Through the door the glowing, wafting kitchen would open its arms to us and we'd crowd around the oven, guessing its contents and hinting vocally of the hunger that gnawed in our stomachs.
It was never a disappointment. Always the room gave the promise of a wonderful meal, the chance to boast to a doting grandparent. Always it lived up to the excitement.
But we weren't the only ones who were big fans of their kitchen. It attracted many other pilgrims who knocked on the front door and ended up staying for days. Granddad was very adept at pulling people in from the doorstep, dragging them into the kitchen, sitting them down at the table and stuffing them full. He was a food man. "Tucker" he called it. "What you need is some good tucker," he'd say, pulling out the contents of the refrigerator at remarkable speed and lining them up on the counter.
There was a fierce, unspoken competition between my grandparents as to who was the master chef. Granddad considered himself quite the man for the job. He'd hold up a slab of meat. "Hunted this myself, you'll never taste anything like it." He'd thrust it into the oven like he was scoring a goal, and then begin a boisterous and dramatic commentary on the items of food the guest would be served. "See this honey here? He'd hold it up and beam proudly. "Comes from my own bees, greatest in the country."
Their kitchen was there for others - always open. They liked it full, so full it was. There are many who have its memories like I do; many who have learned the meaning of happiness through watching them give. They too must have learned that a kitchen is more than toast and pots and pans. And some days I'm sure that they, like me, can't help longing for hot soup and a little golden-haired woman who made afternoons of staring out of a kitchen window the most cherished moments of a life time.

Pearl @ Above Rubies

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Gossip

Have you ever had the feeling someone is gossiping about you. I have. I think sometimes it's just the Devil that comes around trying to bug Christians. Here is some wise advice for those who either have been victims or for those that have sinned in this area. Please do not gossip about others. If you have a problem with somebody go to them and address it. Be sure to pray first. This is my advice.


May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I’m losing my sense of humor

Finally home from the hospital…was told I was being discharged around 12:30 but didn’t get home until 4:00…

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We had to go and pick up LOADS of medicine and medical supplies, after finding out the cost, I kinda freaked out…

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Wednesday at 10:30 is the meeting with Medicaid, I actually do not have to go to it, the women from the claim aid office at the hospital goes, and I am not sure I will feel up to going anyway…Please keep that in your prayers because I just don’t know what the next step is if we don’t get that. They are expediting the process because of the diagnosis of cancer, so it should not take 90 days to find out…everyone seems to think I qualify, but today I am having a hard time having to wait…One great thing is that if approved the coverage goes back three months so that will be great to have the doctors re-bill through Medicaid and to redo the prescriptions…

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Physically: I am exhausted…I slept from 5pm-9pm today and am off to bed again soon…I took a shower and that zapped me of ALL energy…my stomach has not been happy for over three days…I have to learn when to take the anti-nausea medicine in relation to meals...

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I have been surprise by how quickly my relationship with food has changed…I simply don’t want to eat anything, EVER, just reading the menu at the hospital made me sick…I ate some toast a little over an hour ago and it did not stay…I hate not knowing how long this feeling will last after chemo, the doctor said that most times it is three days but it seems to be lasting longer for me…he also said that the first time is probably the worst so maybe that is good…

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I got NO rest in the hospital they are waking you up every three hours for something, I can’t tell you how many people I met and that took care of me…unfortunately for the next two months I will have to be woken up at 5:30 every morning by mom to flush my PICC line, it has to be flushed every 12 hours and because of where it is I can’t do it myself…maybe I will learn to sleep through it…

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Tomorrow my goal is to unpack…and to get my medicines in order (that will be a task in and of its self for sure)

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Mentally: is a whole different post, maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow…

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Prayer Request

Please pray for the George family who are grieving for the loss of there little girl.

Please grab this button on the sidebar of Windmills & Tulips. It serves as a reminder to lift them up in prayer.

Please pass it on.




May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Pearl Of Great Price Challenge

I entered the Pearl of Great Price Challenge late this week. I am wearing a pearl necklace every day. It will help me remember to read or listen to the Word of God. It is a "Pearl of Great Price." Yesterday was the finale but I am going to continue challenge myself to do this.

I will be posting about my treasure finds. I started with Mathew. So far I want to write about the temptation of Jesus. I noticed the first temptation Satan chose dealt with hunger. Satan knows how we hunger after not just food but also other things.

The second temptation Satan chose was tempting the Lord. I am convinced this means Satan tries to gets us to not fear the Lord.  "Do what we want because after all we are saved by grace." This is a deception. God warns us against disobeying.

Notice how Jesus rebukes Satan with the Word. That is amazing. That is my goal. We are to know the Word. We should believe we live only by His every word. Jesus said it. Believe it!

The last temptation is bowing to someone or something other than God because we can be selfish and comfort ourselves with the things that are counterfeit. We must let God be our all. He is the great I am. He is our all. Every breath we take into our bodies is God's breath into us and our children. HE IS OUR ALL!



May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Friday night wind-down

(disclaimer; this is a bit of a long post)

It is Friday night and I am hanging out in my hospital room watching T.V…I am getting tired, and hope to be able to sleep well tonight…I slept better last night than the first so maybe it will get easier these next three nights…The Dr. confirmed that I will be here for sure until Monday…

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I didn’t get around to writing a post last night so I will start with

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Thursday…

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It was a LONG day, after a crappy night of sleep I was up early for breakfast and a shower…

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Carla came to be with me for a few hours and got to go with me to the cancer center for the beginning of my 9hrs of chemo treatment…

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They give it to you in two days the first time so that they can monitor you closely and make sure you are tolerating it well…My blood pressure was taken at least 25 times when I was there and toward the end we had to really slow the meds because my pressure was rising and I was getting really hot…

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After the 9hrs in the center I came back to my room just in time to meet my mom and her friends for a little visit before they went out to dinner…Mom brought me a ham pizza from Papa Johns I’d been craving for days…it was nice to have a little visit from them…and see my mama…

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Then I had a better (still not good) nights sleep…

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Friday…

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Today I opened up facebook and saw that my friend Danielle was wearing this green headband in honor of me today at her work…she said that they had been celebrating cancer awareness for a month and sold different colored headbands to represent the different kinds of cancer…how cool is it that lymphoma is LIME green?…SO ME! I never even thought of lymphoma having a color, I just knew pink was breast cancer…Thanks Danielle for thinking of me, it really meant a lot to me today

danielle

After breakfast, I was taken back to the cancer center for the second and more potent part of the chemotherapy treatment…I had been ready for another 9hr day and was so surprised when they said that today’s treatment was only going to be 2hrs…

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Today has been the hardest for me so far, because I was getting the medicine that WILL make my hair fall out…There was no turning back and I was terrified…

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The nurses are great and really helped me through my little breakdown…after calming down we went over what is going to happen as I lose my hair and then had a little party trying on wigs, scarfs, and hats…the wigs were horrible, I mean truly bad! To be fair they were not that great quality and if I went to a wig shop I am sure I might feel differently but as of today I’m thinking I am going to be a scarf and hat girl…my favorite hat so far is called the newsboy style (pictured below) (but I won’t know really until all my hair is gone) I am excited about scarves because I can make my own, and they are inexpensive, I am just scared I am not going to be able to learn how to tie them so they stay ON…

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I spent the afternoon, napping and resting

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My first visitors of the night were Jerry and Joyce, my friends parents (and two people I consider my family) it was nice to see them and spend a little time talking. As they were leaving Amanda and Caleb brought me some Wendy’s and the Sherlock Holmes movie that we watched together…during that time mom came and watched the movie with us…toward the end of the movie Carla and Ashley came on their way out of town to say hi and give me a great card…I’m so glad they all took time out of their Friday to come and hug and love me…

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Mom brought me my mail and in it was a letter from Medicaid saying that my eligibility meeting is set for this coming Wednesday at 10:30 a.m…We are AMAZED at how quickly this happened…I JUST got the diagnosis of cancer on Tuesday and I guess since it is cancer they expedite the process but who would think it would be that Expedited! I’m not complaining but…WOW!

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I continue to be a bit overwhelmed at the generosity of those in my and moms lives…Her co-workers and bosses gave us a generous gift today that will help us breathe for longer than we were expecting to be able to yesterday…this week there have been other unexpected, and wonderful ways God is literally acting out Matthew 6:26 in my life…he is saying, this is not just a verse from the bible that makes your heart feel good…This is ‘what I do’…

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I may or may not be cancer free in 6 months…but no matter the outcome, who I am and how I see the world and myself is changing…changing in pretty amazing ways…

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Lastly…

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I would like to introduce you to a couple of little birdies in my life…

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First is my new friend, a little blue bird wind chime that is hanging on my IV stand…On the way to treatment Thursday the nurses noticed another bird I had hanging on my stand and really loved it, they said that they should decorate the center more for the seasons ect…I took that opportunity to let them know the real reason I had the bird on the stand, that it was there to remind me of Matthew 6:26, and they knew exactly what verse I was talking about…about an hour into treatment, the nurse came into my room and said that she and the other nurse had gone to the gift shop and bought me this new little one for my IV stand…I was amazed, they had known me for 2 seconds, and said that I was an inspiration (I don’t understand how, but I do love my new birdie)…it was a really nice thing for them to do on a really scary day…

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Second I introduce you to my yellow bellied sapsucker, it makes the real bird call (which actually sounds like the wheel of fortune wheel clicking) this was sent to me a couple of months ago from a wonderful lady on the swapping website I participate in, and has been PERFECT for holding during chemo…it is small enough to hold in one hand and the shape is perfect for mindless rubbing to soothe my nerves…

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Well, I think that is enough information for now yeah?

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Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, you have no idea what a lifeline blogging and facebook has been while here in the hospital and I am sure will continue to be the next six months to a year…I feel like the last few weeks (last few months really) have been so focused on me and am ready for the time when this will be WHAT IT IS and I can engage more in the lives of others around me…

Until Later!

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Quality Time With Abba Father

Today I woke up early. I got some coffee for me and my husband. My husband went to work. I went to the living room couch and just started talking to God. It felt so great. Everything was quiet and everyone else was sleeping.

I had about thirty minutes of quality time with Him. I prayed so peacefully without stuff cluttering up my head. I was just talking to Him about me and my husband and my children and my loved ones, but mostly myself and my husband. It was really nice. It's been weeks that I haven't prayed like this.

I always pray as I do housework but it's kind of different. I am half focused on him and half focused on my chores, and there's noise in the background. We pray at mealtimes but those are kind of rushed. My sweetest memories of time spent with the Lord have been early in the morning or crying in the bathtub as I try to relax my nerves when I've been emotional or angry at My husband. Those are prayers that really seem to move the hand of God.

He is my wonderful Abba Father. I love that I can just be like a little child cuddling up with a sweet Papa and just know that when I am through talking everything is going to be all right. As I felt His presence I felt Him say I need to make sure my Marisol and Karla get the same love from me that He is giving me. He didn't say that about Angelica probably because I am still nursing her. I really appreciate the Lord for making me understand this before I get consequences I regret later.

I recommend everybody to have this quality time with God. He may tell you to get into His Word. God's Word. I feel safe when I listen to my Bible CD's or read the Bible. Jesus said Man lives by every word of God. It's important. Let us brainwash ourselves with the Word until we can't possibly be deceived and we can take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Then we could really teach our little ones a biblical world view.

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.


 


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Home Sweet Hospital

After another long morning of tests and waiting I was finally admitted to the hospital…room number 2550…it is a really nice room, single person which is GREAT, so I thought I would take you on a little tour…

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My bedP4210296 the rest of the roomP4210297 I of course had to pack pictures and things to make sure I feel at home so there is my little attempt at bringing home to the hospitalP4210303 Everyone knows my love of all things bird so I wanted to show you the great pair of PJ bottoms we found at Wal-Mart last night…even birdies on my pants baby! P4210307 I brought a bird to hang on my IV stand, and a bird to hang in the room, I brought a stuffed little bird to hold during chemo, and a bird figurine to sit on the nightstand…I will not forget Matthew 6:26 through these next days…I will not forget Matthew 6:26 because I will be surrounded by birds…I will be surrounded by birds given to me by people who care…and represent Christ to me…I will see Christ when I see the birds…and I will be free…

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Tomorrow I start chemo…at 8:30 for 6hrs I will be getting the first drug of the regimen…they are introducing them separately this first time to monitor how I tolerate things…so then on Friday it will be another 6hrs of two other drugs…I am scared of how my body is going to react…am I going to throw up? am I going to get chills? am I going to get really weak? I guess I gotta do it to find out right?

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Here is my new sassy hair cut…I love it, I do not love my irregular potato shaped face (but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that right now)

P4210310P4210309

Well, this post is kinda flat but my ambien is kicking in and I am ready to try to get ready for bed…wish me luck in getting a good sleep, I need it!

Until Tomorrow

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Train Up a Child

Proverbs 22:6



Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.



Child training works! A properly trained child will fear God and live a wise and righteous life as an adult. An untrained child will not fear God or live a wise and righteous life as an adult. Only a miracle of grace can undo poor child training. God is faithful. His Word is true. Do not question this promise. Exceptions do not alter the rule. Believe it! Do it!

There is no secret or mystery here. Slothful parents hunt for special methods to train their children. They are always looking, reading, buying books, and attending seminars, but they are hardly ever training. Action is more important than technique. Consistency is more important than intensity. Stop looking for an easier or smarter way. Get busy!

This proverb is a commandment, not a suggestion. It is a promise, not a possibility. Bible believers trust this rule as much as any other verse. They are not intimidated by the task before them. They put their trust in the precious Scripture, and they get to work, today!

Solomon said, “Train.” He did not say raise. We raise vegetables, but we train children. Feeding a child nutritious meals, providing warm clothing, giving him his own bedroom, and kissing him good night is not training. Most every species of animals does these things for their young. Training a child is calculated instruction and discipline to form long-term character and wisdom in the fear of the Lord and knowledge of Scripture.

We train them “up.” This describes the period from birth to maturity. Training can begin immediately, as infants can be taught a feeding schedule and that not all crying gets immediate attention. It progresses from a control stage to an instruction stage, then to a counseling stage. It continues through puberty and a whole new set of issues. It continues to maturity, when a young adult creates a new home and starts the process again.

We train them up “in the way.” Parents cannot train every step, but they can train the way (Gen 18:19). God gives them to us with a blank slate for a mind. We fill that mind with godly knowledge and wisdom. As Scripture does not dictate every step of our lives, allowing us much individual liberty, so we train them in the way of godliness.

They are to be trained up in the way “they should go.” It cannot be the way they want to go. Each child defaults to foolishness and sin from our first parents. Without training against that default instinct, they will grow into committed and hardened sinners. No training is default training – you will have a fool for a child (29:15). The way they should go is the way of righteousness laid out plainly in Scripture (Deut 6:4-9; 29:29; Eph 6:4).

When they are “old,” they will follow the training. Here is a promise to be believed, but it also allows for possible difficulties during adolescence, or the teenage years, before they are “old.” Properly trained as a child, the teenage years do not have to be difficult. If trained consistently, they will revert to that training as an adult. Believe it! Count on it!

What is child training? It is a consistent example of righteous living that the child can first feel and then observe as they grow up. It is teaching the existence of God and the absolute authority of the Bible. It is enforcing God’s rules and parental authority strictly and severely. It is teaching by reproof and the rod. It is teaching by repetition throughout the day. It is using both positive and negative reinforcement for behavior. It is a very open relationship with children, allowing them to know you and learning them well.

What is not child training? Yelling is not child training. Sending them to a Christian school is only a part of child training. Browbeating or nagging them is not child training. Spurts of rules and punishment are not child training. “Time out” is not child training. Playing catch in the yard is not child training. Sesame Street is not child training. Putting the mother in charge is not child training. Rocking them tenderly is not child training. Giving them an allowance without hard labor is not child training.

Previous generations grew up on farms observing the training of animals. If they did not train certain animals, they would either starve or be severely handicapped. Child training was easy after watching colts broken and mules trained for the plow. There is no rocket science here, and the search for new or creative techniques misses the boat. Any parent can train their children, if they will flush their selfishness and slothfulness and get busy! It is a shame that seeing-eye dogs can be trained, but children cannot!

The children of this generation are a mess. They are arrogant, foolish, ignorant, immature, lazy, profane, rebellious, selfish, and wasteful. There is an obvious cause for their personal and social dysfunction. Their parents were too busy, selfish, and lazy to train them. The consequences are a generation of fools, which will beget more fools. Our nation’s future is bleak, not because of Washington, but because of foolish parents.

Let the righteous arise! Every godly parent should seize this proverb as his own and get to work. Godly and wise descendants are one sentence away (with a little regular effort)! Give a reasonable and consistent effort, and trust the Lord for the rest (Ps 127:1-2). He can multiply a few loaves and fishes to feed a great multitude with much left over. He can bless your efforts to bear the fruit of righteous children, who will rejoice your heart. There is no reason to be defeated! There is every reason to be elated! Lord, help us!


May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.




Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Bedtime Routine

I like to have dinner around 5:30pm so we can be done cleaning the kitchen by 6:30. Then I shower my girls and make them get ready for bed. When they are all ready it is time to go give grandma a kiss goodnight. After that we all go into there bedroom together and I may nurse my toddler while I read us either out of the Bible or a Bible story for maybe 10 to 15 minutes or more. It depends on how tired I am.

Then we pray and ask the Lord for protection and involvement in our daily lives. They are usually in bed by 8:00. My middle daughter doesn't fall asleep so easy. I try to help her any way I can. She usually ends up sneaking into our bed when we are asleep.

My toddler still wakes up in the middle of the night to nurse. She usually ends up staying next to me too. So what if we have a family bed? :) In the morning I read a scripture verse. I have a stack of verses I keep in an old tea box on the kitchen table.

I pray with my daughter Karla before I have to go walk with her and wait at the bus stop with her. We pray that she will be protected from bad influences. That she will learn only what God wants for her to learn. That she will be kind but strong enough to stand up for Jesus when need be.

Back at home I would usually do the morning chores which I should do a little better at involving my other two little girls with me. I take care of my mother in law too. I try to sneak in a break whenever I can to get on the computer. Unfortunately I don't finish all my chores I should have finished by the end of the day. The End


Have a good night.

Official Diagnosis

The information in BLUE  in this post is technical information I copied and pasted from the internet

The diagnosis is official…it is

NON-HODGKIN’S DIFFUSE LARGE B-CELL LYMPHOMA

I don’t know too terribly much about it and when I do a Google search I don’t learn too much more…basically it is an aggressive type of lymphoma that is treatable…can’t say it is curable of course…they seem to think it will respond well to chemotherapy and is potentially curable…

I will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow (Wednesday) morning and will be there through the weekend probably being released Monday…to monitor fluids and make sure I am tolerating the chemotherapy well…it can cause kidney failure…so they want to monitor me closely…

The kind of chemo regimen I will be on is called CHOP

CHOP is one of the most common chemotherapy regimens for treating Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Regimen Drugs.

The following are the drugs used in the regimen. Select a drug to see a page and pertinent information.

Side Effects:

These drugs can cause nausea, vomiting, and loss of appetite. There are medications your doctor can prescribe such as Zofran or Kytril that may lessen chemotherapy induced nausea.

Fatigue is common during chemotherapy treatment. Proper rest and pacing oneself may be helpful.

Treatments can be delayed if the patient has a low white blood cell count (neutropenia). Blood counts can be raised by drugs such as Granulocyte Colony-Stimulating Factor (G-CSF, brand name Neupogen ®) - a drug used to stimulate the production of granulocytes in the bone marrow.

The drugs will make your hair tend to fall out (alopecia) - you might consider headcoverings.

The doctor said that I hair loss will be complete in about three weeks…and that it would grow back about three months after completing the chemo…I will be getting 8 rounds of chemo…one day every three weeks I will be in the hospital for 6 hours getting my treatment…we will see how my work schedule fits into this once we see how my body tolerates the chemo treatments…apparently everyone reacts differently so we can’t know how I will do just yet…

After the official diagnosis bright and early this morning…my aunts and mom and I went to breakfast at Denny’s then back home for an hour before going back to the hospital for another four hours to get a PICC line put into my arm…I needed a PICC line because I have tiny veins…

P4200293

A PICC line is, by definition and per its acronym, a peripherally inserted central catheter. It is long, slender, small, flexible tube that is inserted into a peripheral vein, typically in the upper arm, and advanced until the catheter tip terminates in a large vein in the chest near the heart to obtain intravenous access. It is similar to other central lines as it terminates into a large vessel near the heart. However, unlike other central lines, its point of entry is from the periphery of the body the extremities. And typically the upper arm is the area of choice.

A PICC line provides the best of both worlds concerning venous access. Similar to a standard IV, it is inserted in the arm, and usually in the upper arm under the benefits of ultrasound visualization. Also, PICCs differ from peripheral IV access but similar to central lines in that a PICCs termination point is centrally located in the body allowing for treatment that could not be obtained from standard periphery IV access. In addition, PICC insertions are less invasive, have decreased complication risk associated with them, and remain for a much longer duration than other central or periphery access devices.

Using ultrasound technology to visualize a deep, large vessel in the upper arm, the PICC catheter is inserted by a specially trained and certified PICC nurse specialist. Post insertion at the bedside, a chest x-ray is obtained to confirm ideal placement. The entire procedure is done in the patient’s room decreasing discomfort, transportation, and loss of nursing care.

Eventually, I will have a port in my upper chest surgically put in so that I don’t have these PICC tubes sticking out of me…

After getting the PICC line mom and I went and got our hair cut…I got a drastic cut, it is cute, it is me…I’d been growing it out just to save money on haircuts but after today’s diagnosis I needed it to feel more like ME…Then we got a couple of new PJ bottoms, tee shirts, and socks cause I need to feel comfortable and good if I am going to be in the hospital…now we are HOME and I am getting ready to pack for my first EVER hospital stay…

I have nothing to say about how I am doing emotionally, I’m taking it well I guess…I will have my computer at the hospital and I know I will cherish whatever communication I can from YOU my friends and family…I am sure there will be more frequent blog posts…

Until tomorrow

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Monday, April 19, 2010

It Sucked Literally & Figuratively

Today was blood work, radiation, and the bone marrow biopsy…I was terrified this morning…The radiation techs noticed I was really quiet and out of it and I said that I would not be o.k. until this biopsy was OVER…below is a (yet another googled) picture of the procedure…The reason for this test is to see how far the lymphoma has spread, it helps in diagnosing the type…
bonemarrow
He numbed both sides of my lower back/butt area…it was two big ‘bee stings’…after waiting for the area to numb he started the actual extraction of the bone marrow…after gently tapping and wiggling the needle into my bone…he described what I would feel as a ‘lighting bolt of pain’ when he sucked the marrow out…he said it would only be two or three seconds and that anyone can handle that because it has to be done…and he was right…it was a lightening bolt of pain and in the end, it was bearable…
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After the figurative and literal sucking I got really hot…I mean I started sweating, it felt like the temperature went up 150 degrees in the room, and then I threw-up…and felt SO much better after…the Dr. said that getting really hot was normal and the nurse said I probably threw up because I was nervous…The nurse was great and fanned me for like 10 min while he finished taking some core samples and getting the needle out of my bone…The entire time I just focused on trying to relax and have even-breathing…
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They said I did great and the Dr. prefers how I did above patients that scream and cry…I prefer to get really quite and go to a little place in my head…

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Afterward I had to lay in the office for 30 minutes to monitor where they stuck me and then I was able to go home…it has now been 7 hours and I am still not in any discomfort or pain so I am pleasantly surprised by that…
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Tomorrow morning bright and early we will be seeing the oncologist to get the results of my neck biopsies from last week and that is when we should be getting the for sure diagnosis of cancer…they have been saying it is cancer and they are treating it like cancer and I am starting chemotherapy like it is cancer so I am expecting to hear it is cancer…I will be VERY angry if they did this bone marrow biopsy today and it wasn’t cancer…I have no reason to think it will be anything but cancer…it fits…
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My mom will of course be at the oncologist appointment with me as will my two aunts Linda and Salome…They are coming up from Evansville at 7:00 their time to be there to hear anything mom and I might miss…
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Sorry if this was a little too descriptive, I am using this blog I guess as a way to both inform those who care about what is going on as well as a way for me to remember and chronicle what is has happened…
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One of my on-line friends, Robyn suggested I reward myself with a Dr. Pepper following my procedure…I did…and it was GOOD!
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Church yesterday was really good and I plan on writing a bit about that in a separate post…possibly tonight, we shall see…

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ways to NOT spend money

Even before this whole week of medical surprises…I had to start thinking of ways to not just ‘save’ money but simply to ‘not spend’ money (because my hours at work had been cut)…
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So far…
saving
#1. Don’t get my nails done…it has been over a month (so sad I know)

#2. Don’t even entertain the idea of getting a real pedicure…my Pedegg, lotion, and thick socks are my best friends

#3. Do NOT stop at a thrift store or yard sale…you don’t stop you won’t buy anything even if it is $1.00

#4. Don’t get my haircut anymore…long is the new spiky short

#5. Take the back way to work so that I’m not tempted to stop for some ice cream or a Mellow Yellow from McDonald’s

#6. Mom has been making our laundry detergent for over a year and that has been working really well

#7. Shop at CVS and Walgreens for body wash, shampoo, deodorant, and toothpaste when they have extra bucks/register reward sales that you can couple with coupons

#8. No more soda…or at least WAY less…I drank the last Dr. Pepper in the house last night so just water from now on…the Dr’s told me I need LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of water now…I never really liked water but the last couple of weeks I have been craving nothing but water so that is good :)

#9. Cut WAY down on my hobby (I started cutting back a couple of weeks ago, and it hasn’t been too hard) I am on a sight called Swap-Bot where you swap crafts and things with people all over the world…it has been a great experience but shipping to other countries can be expensive and if you swap a lot of things the postage can add up VERY quickly without you realizing it…so I am cutting back (I will not cut it out of my life because it is a great thing) and only mailing things like postcards and flat things, like cards, paper crafts, pen pal letters ect…
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Well, that is all I got right now…there isn’t too terribly much to cut out…I have no credit cards…and just regular payments of my car, phone, car insurance, and household expenses…but I am sure I will find other ways…
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A couple of years ago I had some friends over for breakfast and somehow we were talking about money and one of them said that she and her husband have one rule…and that rule is that ‘we don’t buy anything ever’, we laughed but I have never forgotten that…I think that is a good rule…or at least one to strive for…wish me luck!
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Last night mom and I went through all my bills and we paid everything we could in advance with what we have, in all, it was pretty encouraging to get what we could paid, or at least make payments on before I will be losing my income for a little while…I am feeling blessed and encouraged by what we paid and am going to try and continue that attitude moving forward.
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Today I woke up feeling really weak…I’m not sure if it is because I slept in and so was late in taking my medication or if it is just how things might be for a while. If I am walking and have to cough forget it…it is like I can’t stand up…so my only goals for today are to do laundry and clean out my clothes in my closet…lastly I hope to take the dog for a little walk today…she has been sorely neglected this week poor thing!
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Thank you to all those who are encouraging me through this time, it still doesn’t feel real…I will not say I’m O.K because I am not…I am really scared… and next week proves to be just as busy or MORE busy than last week. Monday on top of other appointments, I will be having a bone marrow biopsy and I am terrified of having to lay face down on a table to let the Dr. poke needles into my bones…*Deep Breath*
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Thursday, April 15, 2010

I am feeling,

a little bit like this guy…

Talented_Man_Overwhelmed

This afternoon was my second appointment with the oncologist (Dr. M). The pathologist report was not done so there is no actual diagnosis. The Dr. said they are pretty sure it is a lymphoma and that he spoke to the person reading my labs and that they will be for sure done by my appointment with him Tuesday afternoon…

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I will be starting chemotherapy next week (I don’t know which day)…Dr. M said that he may admit me to the hospital for a day or two when chemotherapy is started so that he can make sure I have enough fluids…

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The CT Scan of my abdomen and pelvis showed some enlarged lymph nodes in my stomach but nothing going farther down (so there is some good news)…

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According to the scales in both the radiation department and the oncologists office I have lost 4lbs since Monday…I don’t know if I was weighed at a different time of day or what…I have had less of an appetite and have been drinking A LOT less soda…for some reason that rapid loss in weight really scares me…to date I have lost a little over 15lb…

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I will not be going to work next week.

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Yesterday I between radiation and my CT Scan, I had a meeting with a women from Claim Aid…she is a representative that works at the hospital and helps people apply for Medicaid and state assistance…things went well, we will not know for a couple of months unless I get a diagnosis that would allow us to ask for an expedited approval process…A couple of weeks ago I applied for aid from the hospital, and while I have not heard anything ‘official’ the women that was helping me with the Claim Aid said she heard the other women who does the hospital assistance program say that I was approved for assistance, we don’t know how much it is but it doesn’t matter…so approved or not from the state I am able to stop looking at all these machines I’m going in as HUGE dollar signs…what a weight lifted!

Today: I had my 4th radiation treatment and the appointment with my oncologist…I have been coughing quite a bit…but no blood though so that is great!

Friday: I get my 5th radiation treatment

Weekend: I get off to process…and I need it!

Monday: I get my 6th radiation treatment, and a bone marrow biopsy from my pelvis…along with some lab work…also I am to get a lung and heart test to get a starting level of where I am before chemo is started.

Tuesday: I get my 7th radiation treatment…and my 3rd official appointment with Dr. M that will hopefully give us some certainty in diagnosis about which lymphoma it is…I don’t think they would be starting chemo and all this other junk if they weren’t sure, but I would like to be able to say with certainty.

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I HAVE CANCER…I feel like there would be some freedom in that, does that make sense?

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I am…

Overwhelmed

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A Missionary's Vision

After marriage God called me to the mission field -

A little bundle needing all my care,

A disciple in touch with my life, obedient to all he hears.

Then came some more all in a row.

Everywhere I went, six little arrows in tow.

God had to call me again to His mission field.

I answered, "To China, to Africa, to Israel, oh where?"

His voice was clear, soft and gentle. My ministry arranged -

"My child, you are to polish our arrows,

Preparing them for My call to spread my

Words of life for other nations to see."

"Lord," I cried, "Loneliness surrounds my soul,

No other woman stands with me answering your call.

The sacrifice is great."

Women give way to another's voice, pulling them away

from their home, far from the quiver."

Once more I pleaded, "May I go too, Lord, I feel the call

To share with the lost, Life giving words,

To feed the hungry a satisfying meal."

"My child," Jesus replied, "You share with your

children salvation and truth.

Feed them meals under your roof.

Discipline them, train them and then lie down in peace,

For sacrificial love have you given to make the world right.

Arise in the morning, open My book,

Teach them into My eyes they must look."

"Yes, Lord, I replied, "But should I serve you in a more

obvious way?"

"Child, my sweet child," God spoke once more.

I anointed you to do this work - the high calling of Motherhood.

To show our children the need for my love."

"Lord,", I sought out, still not fully convinced,

"Should I sew for those in thread barren clothes,

a Dorcas, a Martha?" "Sit at my feet, my child, listen to me.

Your daughter needs dresses, your sons warm shirts,

The button of your husband's coat still lies on the table. Pick up your mantle, the rod of Aaron.

Lead my women back to their home.

"Yes, Lord." Filled and content, I took my position in God's mission field.

Hungry faces graced my bedside.

Clothed in God's mantle, children at my side,

I prepared breakfast.



By Paula Muller

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Could I HAVE Any More Appointments?

Finally I am awake enough to feel like writing about what has been going on the last two days. Honestly it feels like it has been a week and I can’t believe it is only Tuesday night.

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I’m thinking just a timeline/list type update will be the best.

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Monday

8:30: appointment with Dr. Breckler (my new family doctor) she was great…she asked me if they had told me anything and I said no…she said that they think it is some kind of lymphoma, that there are many types of lymphoma, and that it is very treatable. She said that she will be here for me through everything and that if I needed anything explained to just call her.

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11:15: arrived at Dr. Mandal’s office (the oncologist in this story) he was running behind so we waited a long time to see him, (I started coughing up blood again as we were waiting, it seems when I do too much, get hot, or have to talk too much is when the coughing starts and it is hard to stop sometimes) during our appointment he went and looked at my CT scan…he said that I have enlarged lymph nodes in my neck chest and upper stomach (Wednesday I have a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis to see how far these masses have spread). He said we need to get a true diagnosis of what is going on and again mentioned it is possibly a form of lymphoma…when I asked him what else it could be he rattled off a bunch of things I have never heard of, and he said that the treatment is based on the diagnosis and that there are very different treatments for Hodgkin's verses non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, or cancer verses the other more rare things it could be. He sent me to Radiation

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Time doesn’t matter at this point: We go to radiation and see a Dr. Reed…she explains the process, that I will have a radiation treatment everyday (except weekends) for 14 days. They are starting radiation without a diagnosis because the masses on my chest are pushing on my airway resulting in all the trouble I’m having breathing. They said that in contrast to my CT scan from a little over a month ago these masses are growing and spreading rapidly.

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I have learned the hard way that radiation is a very precise process…my first treatment took over a half and hour, which doesn’t sound too long until I tell you how I had to be positioned. They have to make sure they are treating the entire mass they said because it is growing so fast they need to make sure they get it all.

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Here are some pictures I found on a google image search…

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This is pretty much what the radiation machine looks like (the one at the hospital is black)

<spanvariantrilogy src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/_-2EsA9Y_K9A/S8VICF1PvNI/AAAAAAAACb4/8DQwNayWpNQ/variantrilogy_thumb%5B2%5D.jpg?imgmax=800" width=388 height=367>

This is basically the position I had to lay except my arms were more stretched above my head and I had to hold onto this handlebar thing. Because of the masses in my neck and chest when I lay like that it feels a little like I am choking and when I get up I am very lightheaded…you also have to lay there with your gown down around your middle…I left traumatized at having to lay there topless for so long…it was the hardest part of the day and I was not O.K. after..,

spinal_tumor_treatment01

4:30: Home after a LONG LONG day

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Tuesday

9:30: Finally was a good girl and went to the DMV and registered my car in Indiana…I don’t know why but I kept putting it off, now I can stop being scared of getting pulled over.

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10:00: Appointment with the surgeon Dr. Vennekotter…he had some medical emergencies with other patients and was running VERY behind so we did not get in to see him until 11:45…The morning was spent talking to some people on the phone and just relaxing in the waiting room. I have decided instead of getting frustrated about having (because I know there will be a lot of waiting) to wait I am going to take every opportunity I have to close my eyes, breathe, pray, and relax…

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Dr. Venekotter felt my neck and said that the lymph node would not have been able to be removed by Dr. Moss today because it is too big and ‘fixed’. He took about 5 core biopsy samples…using an ultrasound machine he first numbed the area, then he took the ultrasound and found the right place to take the sample…after that he made a 5/8ths cut in my neck and put the needle in…it is like a gun thing and POPs and grabs tissue…he did this about 5 or 6 times so I am expecting the area to be really sore tomorrow…It hurt a little while he was doing it really just a lot of pressure.

picture19 slide0417_image049 <spanuro_qc src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/_-2EsA9Y_K9A/S8VIFD-ncaI/AAAAAAAACcY/28TZQ9LdyLY/uro_qc_thumb2.jpg?imgmax=800" width=394 height=394>We will know the results of these tests on Thursday...4:00 on Thursday should be ‘THE’ appointment with Dr. Mandal to find out what this is…

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12:45: I had a CT scan specifically to map out the radiation spot again…so it was another 1/2hr 45 min. of holding my hands above my head, without my shirt on, having to readjust microscopic amounts to get the scan EXACTLY where it needed to be. I hated every second of it!

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1:45 ish: Had my second radiation treatment…found out after my treatment that the images from the CT scan I JUST had were not coming up and that I would have to go back and do it again…

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2:15: Back in radiology for a 2nd try at the CT scan…this time it only took one try and 10 min…I was SO relieved because I’m not sure I could handle another 45 min…

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3:00: Home where we made some tacos, and watched some shows on DVR relaxing

The agenda for the rest of the week is…

Wednesday

CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis…and my third radiation treatment…also I will be meeting with someone from the claim aid office…

Thursday

Fourth radiation treatment and appointment with the oncologist.

Friday

Fifth radiation treatment.

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O.K. was that enough information for you? I know I’m at capacity…I’m staying awake until 1:15 because I have to drink a HUGE container of something in preparation for the CT scan tomorrow…then I am going back to bed fred!

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