The Victory is not Within Me…

I’ve been at a loss of how to express what I am feeling, and today I checked out the blog “Dancing Barefoot on weathered ground” and found her post to really speak for my heart…and I wanted to share it with you... the below post is word for word her post from today…you can just click on the banner to be taken to her website, if you want to go and check it out, she is a pretty inspiring lady.

Life Just Isn't Fair... is it?

“When we were out hitting garage sales last week, we saw this sign and I just had to get out and take a picture. Doesn't life just feel like that sometimes? You think you're going one direction and end up somewhere different than you expected to be. Which way are we going anyway?

Have you noticed... we don't always get what we want? We don't always get what we deserve and we don't always get what we work towards?

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That my friends is ... life.
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I know a lot of people who have never had to eat healthy and somehow they stay healthy. I've also known people who have worked very hard to stay healthy and aren't healthy at all.
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I've known people who didn't want children and ended up with many. I've also known people who wanted many children and ended up with none.
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I've known people who have an abundance but are stingy and greedy. I've also known people who are generous and giving but don't have much to give.

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I've known people who are unkind and self centered yet are respected and revered. I've also known people who are selfless and kind who are barely noticed.

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I've known people who eat too much and are skinny as a rail. I've also known people who are, well, not skinny as a rail, who don't eat very much at all.

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I've known people who are able to make a difference in other's lives but only want to see themselves succeed. I've also known people who would give their right arm to help others succeed and never seem to be in a position to make a difference.

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I have a friend who sums people up like this. She says, "You're either used by others or you're using others." That's a bold truth - but a truth nonetheless. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be used than be using others for my benefit. Which is the reason she makes the statement at all - to remind herself of that truth.

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This life we live isn't fair. I'll bet we've all said, "If I had a million dollars I would change the world." Some of us would. Some of us wouldn't. The truth is, if we had a million dollars, it'd probably change us.

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What makes man ungrateful, selfish, unkind, greedy, lazy and rude? It's simple. The nature of man.

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What makes man grateful, selfless, kind, giving, diligent and compassionate? It's simple. The nature of God, namely the Holy Spirit.

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It's true - sometimes people who are striving for the right thing don't get very far in this life, but it shouldn't matter, because we know our victory is in Jesus Christ.

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So, if you're a Christian and you're feeling a little down and out and you think you deserve better... well, you probably do - but just think of what you're going to get that you don't deserve - eternity in heaven with Jesus. Kind of makes it all worth it huh?

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I Peter 4:19 "Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator."

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God has his reasons for allowing us to live (and sometimes suffer) in an unfair world and I think we're all better for it.”

Sovereignty

Exodus 14:13-14 (New International Version)

¹³ Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Take your station and see the Lord’s deliverance that he will do for you today, for as you see the Egyptians today, you shall not see them again for all time. ¹⁴ The LORD shall do battle for you, and you shall keep still."

Do not be afraid

Take your station

The Lord shall do battle for you

You shall keep still

 My cousin gave me a book called “Hope is Contagious” by: Dr. Kenneth Hutchinson…He is a former NFL player…current pastor, and has been battling an aggressive form of cancer for years…

Below is an excerpt from his book that references the story of Joseph and, I think ties well into the above verse of Moses talking to the Israelites…

is God sovereign in your life? from time to time

Are you holding onto your fear(s)? yep

Are you keeping still…letting God battle for you? I’m trying

“Sovereignty.

That’s really the difference between hope and hopelessness. Everything in our lives hinges on believing in God’s sovereignty. God is God. You either accept it or reject it; there’s no in between. You don’t accept his sovereignty when things are going great and then reject it when bad things happen. If you reject it, you’re on your own. Are you really willing to trust when tragedy strikes?

If you accept God’s sovereignty, you know that nothing bad can happen to you. You might be thrown into a cistern. You might be sold into slavery. You might be stuck in prison, forgotten by all. But it’s all good. Your life doesn’t fall apart. You might actually be able to sing and dance and enjoy yourself. Because no matter what, it’s all good; it is part of God’s unique plan for you.”

Drink Plentifully from Your Own Well

Drink waters out of thine own cistern 

and running waters out of thine own well. 

Proverbs 5:15

Women of God can destroy their marriages, sexuality, and souls, when they wish their husbands were different. A woman must not desire the communication, emotion, intelligence, leadership, personality, spirituality, success, or any other trait she sees in other men. She must avoid thinking on these things. Her thoughts are the same as her husband wishing for the face, breasts, waist, or legs of another woman. She must choose to be content with the man she has married, just as she wants him to be content with her.

~ LetGodBeTrue.com

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

I am no longer a…

SURGERY VIRGIN

I am now the proud owner of a port-a-cath 800z, the best port in the showroom, all the other cancer patients will be jealous (O.K. I confess there are not models of ports but it sounded fun yeah?)…the surgery took around an hour and I guess they had a little trouble placing it, and had to take a layer of fat out to get it to sit right…I am super sore, and have been told I can’t lift my arm much for the next two weeks (the port needs to settle and get embedded really well, because I can end up having it for a long time)…the problem with this is that the port is on my left side and I am left handed…so I must be vigilant and ask for help even when I want to do it myself…thank God I have a mom who will help me when I ask, without making me feel bad for doing it…She rocks my socks some days :)

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I am faithfully taking my pain medication and will take it for as long as I need…I used to be really scared to take prescription pain killers because my father was addicted to them most of my life, and I have his addictive personality (I just focus my addictions on more healthy things)…but I have come to accept that I am not him (but I am who I am because of him and that is a strong women) and it is silly to be in pain because I am scared to become addicted…I will give that fear to God…

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A long time ago I heard an acronym for the word FEAR that resonated with me in a powerful way

F alse

E vidence

A ppearing

R eal

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I was very fearful of anesthesia which ended up being both better than I anticipated and…just as I anticipated…I do not remember anything between being wheeled down the hall and waking up in the recovery room…so that was better than anticipated…coming out of the anesthesia was just weird, and I would like to not ever have to do it again please. I have written before about the sleep paralysis I experience sometimes and how terrifying it can be (here) and coming out of anesthesia is something like the sleep paralysis thing…you want to move but can’t, you want to talk you can’t, ect…luckily that only lasted a little bit and now I am as fine as can be expected and getting ready for bed…

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If you want a good laugh I’ll tell you that last night my biggest fear of going under anesthesia was that I would be so relaxed and so asleep that I would pee on the table…I mean do people do that? I did not thank goodness, but I thought it was a possibility and I would have been mortified! What weird fears have you had about things in your life?

Blessed…

First let me say how happy I am about my new blog design…I think it looks fresh, and modern…I hope you enjoy it as much as I do…I spent most of the afternoon trying to make it right…it was a free template from this website, but there were a lot of corrections I had to figure out how to make through the comments section of their posts…while I am IN LOVE with some of the blog templates on their site, it is not the most user friendly...
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This was a good way to spend my afternoon, because if I do much of anything I feel really lightheaded…not sure what is going on…after my angry post I decided that I needed to not work the rest of this week…I felt good about that choice, and with the new lightheadedness I am confident it was the right decision…
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NOW…for the real reason of this post…
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To proclaim some ways I am being blessed…

Last Saturday I received another box of LOVE from some great members of Swap-Bot…36 members to be exact…I got some amazing handmade items (cross-stitch, embroidery, a necklace,hats, a painting, other art, a beautiful pouch…and, and, and)…wonderful cards…and blessed with a really encouraging letter from a lady who has been through and survived VERY CLOSE to what I am going through…
 
Here I am modeling one of the hats from the picture…it is bird fabric AND fits my big head…double plus right there…
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This week I received this beautiful bird from Anne in New Mexico…itsn’t it beautiful, she sent some candles to light behind it but I might hang it on the wall…right now I am just admiring it…I am so blessed to have people share their talents with me…

Robin and Blair’s Etsy shop is up and open for business…it has only been a few days and they have already made 15 sales…CONGRATULATIONS girls…you are off to a great start…here are the beautiful Lymphoma Awareness ribbons Robin made…she put a bird on them to personalize them to me…they make me smile…


















around 20 are up for sale right now (they have already sold 7)…and more to come once they are completed…so go on over and get one if ya want…NO PRESSURE!
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Blair is working hard on an ‘official Swap-Bot’ cookbook…she has already collected the recipes and will be selling those, as well, in their Etsy shop…I will be sure to let you know when they are available…I am not a cook, and am a VERY picky eater so a cookbook is not something I salivate over, but apparently this is something much desired by some so I can’t wait for people to be able to get them…
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I am blessed that Robin and Blair are gifting to me the proceeds of both the ribbons and cookbooks…Not sure what I did to deserve their kindness but what I have heard from other people and what I have observed myself (obviously) they are pretty special people…
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Today I was blessed with a very thoughtful package with a beautiful decorated dresser matchbox and some VERY cute embossed birdy stationary…
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I’m afraid I am getting spoiled with all these beautiful things…I am keeping all the cards and notes in one place so that I can, when I am having a night like a few night ago, go through them and remember what I KNOW…
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Lastly I am blessed with peoples prayers and petitions on my behalf to the throne of God…at the exact time they are needed…
Literally minutes after writing my angry post I received an e-mail from a friend in Portugal that said…
“April,
I got your post card.  It is awesome!  I have been praying for you. 

Here is a verse that I like:
"He gives strength to the wear, and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:29-31

I know that you are probably feeling physically weary, but I pray that God will keep you optimistic and fighting the cancer.  He can give you strength.”
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She had not read my blog post and had no idea that I was in fact (at the exact time she was writing that e-mail) weak and weary…
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pretty amazing stuff yeah?

I So Long to be the Virtuous Woman

I am so not the virtuous woman but I want to be. I recently came across some good advice about spiritual housekeeping. In order to make this suit us I removed some things I believe contradict the Bible.

Marrion R. Boyer who is of Latter-day Saint faith wrote:


My dear sisters, it’s a privilege to meet with you here in the Tabernacle and to be part of a telecast to the rest of the Church. You represent the best of life, for you are the daughters of our Heavenly Father who reflect the rich blessings of gospel membership.
To all of us the word homemaking has great significance. To us as women a special mission has been given to be the homebuilders of the Church, the community, and the world.
Speaking at a Relief Society conference, President J. Reuben Clark said, “May God … give you the vision of the true homemaker, that you will be able to save by this course, not alone Zion, but the world. And that is your destiny … to save the world.” (Relief Society Magazine, Dec. 1949, p. 798.)
The work of women, then, takes on a deep and significant meaning. The daily business of homemaking becomes very important—in fact, the most important business in the world. A home is more than a house or a room to live in. For one person making a home for herself, or for the mother of a large family, the home should be a place of learning, a place where prayer can point the way to eternal life. That is how the world will be saved—by strengthening every child of God in every home.
 Someone shared there revelation to “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God”
As I ponder this admonition, I am reminded of a special friend. As I have worked with her, I have been inspired by her devotion to her family and church. A large family and an invalid husband didn’t keep her from accepting a leadership responsibility in Relief Society. I asked her how she managed so well. She answered, “My Relief Society sisters help me. Their love lifts my spirit when I feel down; the lessons give me strength and direction. My problems don’t seem so big when they are shared.”
She set a pattern for her day, starting with an early morning prayer while the rest of her family slept. She organized in her mind the duties to be performed that day and asked her Heavenly Father for his help in accomplishing them. Each day ended with a grateful report as she expressed her appreciation and love to her Father in Heaven for his help and the help of kind friends. She felt she could not have accomplished the day’s tasks alone.
What an example this mother has been to her family! She has taught them the power of prayer, the value of being organized, and the joy that comes from serving others and the Lord.
Referring again to the revelation, We are admonished to prepare every needful thing. Many Latter-day Saint women find great joy in developing their creative talents as they prepare needful things. Sewing for children, grandchildren, and friends unites families in love and appreciation. A mother of eight confided in me recently that her family could not have some of the necessities of life if she did not sew their clothing. She had even learned to make levis and T-shirts in a Relief Society miniclass and to remodel outgrown clothing for younger members of the family.
Another needful thing is the food we eat. President Kimball has repeatedly admonished us to have gardens and to preserve what we grow. In our homemaking book we are given help not only for planting gardens, but for collecting seeds to insure next year’s planting. Suggestions are given for miniclasses on using your basic storage every day. How many ways do you use the powdered milk you have stored? Homemaking miniclasses can show you many ways, such as doubling the amount of margarine by adding milk.
Recently I went to a Relief Society meeting in a Brigham Young University ward. The girls were being taught breadmaking in a miniclass. The fragrance from the kitchen attracted the young men in the building, and as they gathered around the door looking hungry, hot bread, butter, and honey were soon being enjoyed by all as they socialized together.
In our meeting a year ago, President Spencer W. Kimball admonished us to be different from the women of the world “in happy ways” (see Ensign, Nov. 1979, p. 104).
Nephi writes of his people in the wilderness sowing, reaping, and working to set their homes in order. Then he continues, “And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness."
As Latter-day Saint homebuilders, our greatest challenge is to bring up our children in light and truth—to develop the spiritual nature of each family member. Our greatest role is as a teacher.
“Home,” said President Harold B. Lee, quoting from a newspaper editorial, “is the seminary of all other institutions” (Relief Society Magazine, Jan. 1965, p. 9). The multifaceted nature of the home finds expression in a new focus given to the stake board structure. Included now in the concept of homemaking is music and the enrichment it brings to the home; the nursery, complete with materials that have been prepared according to the finest of child development principles; and recreation with its binding, health-giving contribution. Relief Society homemaking includes all of these elements, combining them into a day of training, preparing women to make a home that embodies skills, refinement, knowledge, and delight along with the love and warmth that have always meant home.
In order to help every  woman realize her full potential as a homemaker, we urge homemaking counselors to plan meetings that will meet the needs of each sister. We know that no two sisters have situations that are alike, and yet we hope that each will find purpose and fulfillment in creating a place that is home. One well-planned, two-hour, monthly meeting can provide the training and motivation that will enable each woman to succeed in her most essential work, which gives heart to all other work of the world.
In well-ordered homes we must keep bright the spark of testimony and build faith within each heart. Through Relief Society we can learn how to organize ourselves and prepare every needful thing and how to establish a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of order, a house of God. 
 May we make our homes havens of peace and happiness where all enjoy being together—and like Nephi’s people live after a manner of happiness—is my prayer, and I ask it in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My prayer is that we as Christians would be better equipped to freely teach Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 principles to the many women, including myself who have never had the privilege of this discipleship in sound doctrine and to build a legacy for generations to come of strong Christians who are thoroughly equipped in every good work for the glory of God. Amen.

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

A Virtuous Woman Cares About Her Appearance

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry.
Her clothing is silk and purple. 
Proverbs 31:22

A virtuous woman is preeminently diligent, exceeding selfless, and ultimately practical in serving her husband and children (10-31), but she also appreciates beauty and takes care of her appearance. She is ashamed to look less than her feminine best! Can a woman do both? She must, to be the virtuous woman!

A great woman knows how to prioritize her goals and use time well to achieve them all. She knows both her home’s appearance and her own appearance are high honors to her husband and children, so she makes sure they are included in her daily routine. To ignore or neglect either of one of these is irreverent.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry. This creative woman has elegant decorating ideas of her own and uses them to uniquely beautify her home. She covers walls, furniture, and beds with those decorative and ornamentally embroidered, painted, or woven fabrics called tapestries. She makes sure the bedroom remains an inviting place (7:16), where she honors her husband by emphasizing its enduring importance to her.

Her clothing is silk and purple. She chooses fine material for her garments and selects glorious colors. Consider further Bible descriptions of these features of excellent clothing (7:16; Esth 8:15; Ezek 16:10-13; Luke 16:19; Rev 18:12). There is no doubt the virtuous woman knew how to look, and cook!

Virtuous women consider appearance as well as function. They know that functional practicality is not enough to maximize a marriage or a family. They develop, rather than stifle, the attribute of their sex to make things, places, events, and themselves attractive to the eye and senses. They remember they were created for their husbands (I Cor 11:9), so they maintain their own attractiveness and create it for him in their home as well.

The woman is the glory of the man (I Cor 11:7), and she should be glorious for him.

The virtuous woman decorates her home and bedroom to keep an elegant and inviting atmosphere. She makes, and takes, the time for exercise, hair, nails, and other bodily improvements. She wisely selects a few fine garments that enhance her appearance, and she makes sober choices of accessories and makeup to finish the picture. Her husband and children rejoice to be seen with her in public (31:28; Gen 12:11; Esther 1:10-11).

Modesty in dress and manner is a law for Christian women (I Tim 2:9-10; I Pet 3:3-4). But modest does not mean dowdy. There is no contradiction between these two passages and our proverb. A harlot dresses and conducts herself to quickly arouse sexual lusts in men (7:9-21); an arrogant and worldly woman puts all the emphasis on appearance (Is 3:16-24). Their clothing reveals, rather than conceals; and it is similar to lingerie in effect. Classy garments and noble conduct by a virtuous woman do not do this.

Condemning dressing well in an effort to be modest is the same as condemning alcohol to avoid drunkenness, condemning bread to avoid gluttony, and rejecting electricity, like the Amish, to avoid worldliness! Such “touch not, taste not, handle not” rules are a Pharisee extreme corrected by Jesus Christ and Paul (Matt 12:7; Col 3:20-23). Men by nature rush to extremes, too much emphasis on appearance or not enough; but this proverb was given by God to describe the precious balance kept by the woman who fears the Lord (31:30).

Virtuous women blessed with beauty were beautiful to look upon (Gen 12:11,14; 24:16; 26:7; 29:17). They did not hide under lampshades or sweat suits. Neither did they neglect their appearance. Virtuous women are attractive to behold, but by modest apparel and noble and pure conduct, they discourage ungodly thoughts. They do not provoke sexual lusts in men, for their clothing is not designed to do so. Rather than wear the cheap and revealing clothes of a harlot, they want the sober class of the first lady!

Appearance is not the virtuous woman’s first priority in life, for that is the fear of God with the glorious ornament of a meek and quiet spirit (31:30; I Tim 2:9-10; I Pet 3:3-4). But modesty in appearance and an emphasis on spiritual things never intended a homely appearance, when the means are available to honor her husband and glorify her Creator. It is possible for a woman to pay too little, as well as too much, attention to appearance; only a virtuous woman finds the place of holy moderation, separate from both extremes.

Christian woman, you took measures to attract your husband in the first place, and it is deceit and defrauding to do less now. The blessed Creator gave you features and abilities that can easily please him. He is the object of your earthly existence, and you should honor and reward him by keeping an attractive home, bedroom, and personal appearance.

If your marriage is dull, try a tapestry and some silk and purple, before another woman does (7:15-18). The results might surprise and please you! Lord, bless our marriages.

The Lord Jesus Christ bought the church for His own pleasure, and He desires a beautiful bride; so He cleansed her from every spot and wrinkle and will present her to Himself in regal splendor fit for a king (Ps 45:9-14; Is 61:10; Eph 5:25-27; Rev 19:8; 21:2)! Glory!

LetGodBeTrue/Proverbs

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

Kicking my Butt

Chemo is kicking my butt…the first treatment I was, for the most part, feeling normal by the Wednesday after…this time, I am still recovering and it is just a big inconvenience…
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I’ve been shaky, and exhausted for days now…I thought maybe it was anemia (because, you know, I think I can diagnosis myself) but after talking to a nurse from the cancer center, I think that it is just the effects from the chemo…

In my head things would be the same as (or very similar) to the first treatment, but the nurse said that this is normal and that the second time you may feel worn down longer and that it may just compound with each treatment…She said that around 7 days out from chemo is when my counts will be the lowest and I may feel the worst…I can’t articulate how frustrating it is that the answer to most questions is that ‘no one reacts the same’ ‘some people work through chemo great, and some people can’t’…
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I want something/someone to tell me how to feel…living with depression and anxiety I have learned when I can do something despite my FEELINGS..I have learned what I have to do to be accepted by a society that can’t/doesn’t try to understand…I have learned to suck it up and do what I have to…I’ve learned how to not let it paralyze me…
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I am attempting to work five days this week, tonight is my second night…and I am just not so sure I am going to make it…I can’t clean like I am supposed to (which isn’t fair to my co-workers), and unfortunately my job isn’t one that I can just call in sick too, there has to be someone to cover me, I can’t just decide and hour before I’m to come in that I don’t feel like it…
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Thursday morning I got off work, went home and took a two hour nap before my appointment with the surgeon to discuss getting the port…the surgery is scheduled for this coming Tuesday…then I came back home and slept for eight more hours before getting up for work…I’m tired…feeling a bit defeated…and honestly I’m angry…
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Angry that my life has become dependent on others making appointments for me…angry that I don’t have a choice but to keep those appointments…angry that I have to care if my temperature is 99 degrees…angry that I don’t have the energy to think about doing a load of laundry, much less go and do it…angry that everyone says I need to take care of myself, that my health is important, but I still have responsibilities…angry that my mom has to take her vacation days to go to appointments and the hospital with me…angry that the mental exhaustion is hard to separate from the physical exhaustion…angry that I am bored because mentally I am awake but physically I don't even want to get the paper out pick up a pen and write a letter...angry that I am feeling so weak…angry that I feel like I shouldn’t be sharing this with anyone (It is like all I see/hear are stories of people who got through cancer with a great attitude, and I don’t want to be seen as if I am feeling sorry for myself)…angry that I can feel really alone even though I KNOW there are a lot of people who care about me (am I really that ungrateful?)…angry that I’m not sure I can just ‘suck it up’ …
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The crappy honeymoon is over and I don't remember saying 'I do'...
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I have a much more positive post in the works so be looking for that…

Crazy Dream

I had the craziest dream this afternoon…

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It was about an urgent need to use the bathroom…and it was intense!

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Since I got sick I have been having, night sweats on and off, I just get really hot under the covers but am sleeping so well that i don’t kick the covers off, or wake up to readjust the covers…

A lot of times these sweats are accompanied by dreams about having to pee but today’s beats them all…

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The dream was a bit segmented but for the most part it included me having to use the bathroom every five minutes…toward the end, I was shopping at a mall with mom and NO ONE would let me go to the bathroom…no one would believe I had to go…and at one point, after a lot of pleading, one of the managers of a store picked up a letter, opened it and said are you ‘Michael Thompson?’ because, it says here, he is the only one I can allow to use the bathroom…

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Defeated…I couldn’t hold it in anymore and just let it go, right there in front of the store manager...I was SO angry with him…

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I was not proud of it but seriously there isn’t an indefinite amount of time that you can hold your bladder…

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Finally I made myself wake up and my heart sunk…my bed was soaked and I was SURE I had wet the bed…but, I still had to go SO bad…

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Breathing a sigh of relief I realize the wet bed did not smell and it was not pee...I had just had another episode with my nemesis...‘night sweat’.

New

So, I’ve tried a new blog template…I made the banner, and just need to try and make a signature…what do you think? Keep? or go back to the black and blue?

Beautiful Video

I wanted to share this beautiful video with you. It made me cry. =)




The Lord bless you all this week!

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

“C” is for Chemo Day Dos

Yesterday was chemo day…It was LONG…I was up before 6:00 at the cancer center at 7:00 got blood work, saw the doctor around 8:30, and started chemo around 9:00…finally finishing around 2:30.

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I brought my laptop and a big bag with letters to write and books to read thinking I was going to have a lot of down time…I had a lot of downtime, just not the coherent kind that would allow for productivity…Along with various anti-nausea medication they gave me Benadryl directly into my blood stream (I’m not sure why)…Now, you think that Benadryl makes you tired in pill form…This stuff KNOCKS you OUT! I got SO tired SO fast…Needless to say I will not be bringing quite so much with me the next time…The rituxan they give takes the longest part of the chemo treatment and it makes me REALLY hot, so I had to request a fan that I used the whole time…the good thing was that this time my blood pressure did not get high. Between high blood pressure and being hot I think being hot is the better choice…

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Mom came to visit me at lunch and brought some breadsticks and cheese sauce from a local pizza place…

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The red stuff being injected into me is vincristine…

I asked the nurse why she had to wear the smock and gloves when giving it to me…She said it is because if the vincristine were to get onto skin it would not just burn the skin it would eat away at it…That folks, is what is being directly injected into ME, three vials of it…It is best not to think too much about that yeah?

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This is my cancer angel…it was made for me from someone on Swap-Bot and I love her!

She has birds hand stitched on her body, is holding a teddy bear, has a necklace, and a glow in the dark heart…

She is also wearing a scarf for her bald head, and has wings…she is there to hold for comfort, or is safe to throw if I am feeling sick or upset…the lady that sent it to me said it could be used as a ‘darn-it’ doll to throw when I want to say ‘darn-it’

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I went all out…wore some nice clothes, necklace and make-up and think I looked pretty darn good…so I thought I would share…

Mid-morning I heard some dance music being turned up loud and a bunch of celebrating going on, it was a women’s last chemo treatment and the nurses dance to celebrate…they were all the way across the room so the picture is not the clearest but I wanted to share…

Last but certainly not least I got my PICC-Line out

…I am beyond excited…they still weren’t able to get blood out of it today and I was so getting so discouraged…the doctor said that the lymph nodes in my chest are shrunk enough to schedule surgery to insert the port, which will be practically no maintenance and a lot more reliable…

Hope For The Hurting Woman

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I am subscribed to the group below. I highly recommend it for those women who are hurting.

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Welcome! This list is intended to draw in the hidden woman that is hurting and full of sorrow and whose Christian life may not fit the Perfect Christian Family stereo type. Connie's letters are for those woman who are walking a rocky cliff and wondering if God hears them. Ladies who are struggling to know God in the less than desirable circumstances around them. Do you desire and pursue to have that Godly home, but have no idea how to get there? Do you feel as if your marriage is hopeless? Maybe you have no hope left, but are looking for it. Connie, as a Titus 2 Christian Mother, has a heart to help and teach the younger wives and mothers how to love their husbands and children in trying and difficult circumstances. She can shine a light on that difficult path by her life experience of living from miracle to miracle through Jesus. Connie has stepped out in faith before us and blazed a path to follow. You can read some of Connie's writings organized by theme at this site: www.happyhousewifery.com This is a non-response group and is for Connie's writings only.

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May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

Tomorrow Will Be Better

Today I woke up around 6:20. I got dressed for the day. fixed some breakfast and coffee. I prayed. I woke up my babies. Got them breakfast. Woke my husband. Attended his needs cheerfully. I walked him out the door and followed with kisses as he drove away. I took Karla to the bus stop. I came home. I made a homemaking journal. I got very little tidying done. Our meals were too quick. I showered the girls. I read Elijah and the prophets of baal (one of my favorite stories). I put my girls to bed with a bear hug and many kisses. I just realized I forgot to pray with them tonight. My brain is tired. You can tell by how I'm writing. I still felt I needed to write for some reason. Those are the highlights. I started the day strong but I finished not meeting my expectations. Tomorrow is another day and I have a Father in Heaven who loves me who I want to feel nearer to tomorrow. I plan to spend more time in the Word and more time praying. I can play some hymns. Yes. Tomorrow will be better.

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

Anxious

I have been really anxious and overwhelmed this week and today it has culminated in my being really emotional, impatient and in a horribly bad mood.
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It is chemo week (this Friday) and the anticipation is not good…I know that I am just making it worse thinking about it but I’m not thinking about it on purpose…I promise
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I’m having issues with my PICC line….there is trouble with the dressing because the tape is making my skin raw and causing it to break out so I can’t tape up the floppy ends. I went in Monday to have it changed there was an infection around the insertion site, so I am now on an antibiotic…then today after getting of the shower (where the dressing did not get wet) it was really humid and I noticed that the bottom of the dressing was unstuck, so I have taped it closed but I guess I will have to go in tomorrow to get it changed AGAIN…I hope I’m not the only person that has this much hassle with their line. It is really stressful…I will just die if something happens and they have to take it out and put another one in…I just want to know when the surgery to put the port in will be…I need an ending!
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I’m having some relationship issues with someone.
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My temperature is between 98.2 (regular) and 99.5 which I would normally not be concerned about, but the nurse earlier this week seemed very interested about when I had a 99 fever and how long I had the fever ect…so I’m worried about that…if they tell me I can’t get my chemo because I am sick it is going to screw up the whole schedule I I have worked out in my head and with work…which is making me anxious…
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I haven’t wanted to eat much this week because my stomach is sour, my chest has felt kind of heavy (I don’t know if it is because I am getting something or maybe the lymph nodes are swelling again) and I’ve been really tired…now the question is do I have those issues because I am stressed and worried or because I am actually sick? That I don’t know…
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What I do know, is that all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there…I want to be held…I want to be held and have someone stroke my nonexistent hair…I want to be held and have someone stroke my nonexistent hair while I cry…
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I haven’t been this anxious is a LONG time, and I have not missed it, the tight jaw, the racing thoughts, the intense emotions…those of you who have known me for a long time know the long, hard, and sometimes messy, battle I have had with depression and anxiety…a battle that is for the most part won with good medicine management…but I think everything is just too much…
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On a more positive note, I got a call from Medicaid today and the man who called said that they have the records from all the doctors they have requested information from and that they were sending a request for records from one more doctor today…the doctor they still need from is one I’ve only seen once so it should not be too much trouble for them to get that in quickly…he told me to call in and check on the status so I guess once they get that information we should be really close to a determination…woo hoo!

A Titus 2 Testimony

Well isn’t it lovely to wake up to loads of ideas about our homes. I certainly need the inspiration to help keep me grounded in my work. My home is a place of healing and peaceful solitude for me. My spiritual well being also my mental health can become so easily worn if I’m simply not at home
enough. Not only do I feel it in myself but the evidence within my family is startling.
 
However, when I am at home drifting beautifully from one task to the next my very being is so satisfied. The deep fulfillment brings to me a sense of security that can not be achieved through anything else. It brings a confidence that allows me the strength to care less and less about
other people’s standards or judgments. If other people’s opinions are beginning to get to me or I am becoming more overwhelmed and confused about my own personal direction in life, I can be sure through years of experience now that my homemaking is not as it should be. The greatest balm to life’s traumas for me personally is tending to my home. Like an anchor for my battered soul is tidying up the house, putting on some washing and preparing that days menu. When during the times of severe strife there were many issues to depress me and frighten me that I had little or no control over, tending to my home brought me control and balance. As each day I stumbled on in agony my spirit could be lifted ever so slightly enough to keep breathing it seemed by time out in the garden or making bread. The simple tasks of homemaking that would appear to the uninitiated as completely unrelated to mental health were indeed my all encompassing medication.

This is the place I run to, not from. This is the place for the most satisfying rest of all. This is the place I can legitimately shut the doors and take the phone of the hook. When my children begin to see that I am well within myself, that I am at peace then they also find their own contentment. I am in the most part their security, they have been taught the reasons for obedience and are therefore obedient. In fact I can honestly say they are always obedient they understand the importance of simply doing as I say. I put many hours into that one issue alone, so our home is peaceful. As teenage girls grow up and naturally content with each other, all I need to do is occasionally separate them! Listen well to them and be available.There is authority in our home. They understand the reason for this, and how we all benefit from the calm atmosphere.

Please do not misunderstand me! I learned this the hard way it took me many years to stop contending with my husband. To learned the value of constantly conceding to him, whether I believed I was right or wrong. Eventually I was disciplined by him and learned always to concede and to trust my defense to the Lord and not to myself. I finally learned over time
the peace in our home was worth so much more than justice or vindication.This peace became my power. My children as well as my husband began to understand that I alone welded the power for contentment or strife in our home as I worked to bring peace and understanding between them and over time learned to accept the injustices of life trusting that the Lord would deal with it all.
 

I worked hard to restore my husband’s relationship with his children, honouring him by explaining difficult situations with a pure heart always with the goal of maintaining their father in honour towards them. Eventually he learned to love his children deeply and they became his reason for living, he could not live without them as they loved him and honoured him to his own place of healing. Not that I ever made excuses for him or compromised by saying something was right when it was clearly wrong. I taught my children to distinguish their father from his sins.

 
Now I have the power in my home, yet my husband has all the authority. He knows and will never say a word about it that my love for him and for our children has been and will always be an undeniable force in our home. He could legitimately walk all over me and I would let him, however he is powerless to do that because my children love me and honour me and only because of that do they love and honour him.

 
I write this not because I have all the answers. I have had to learn this because I failed in my marriage. I was put through fire because I was hard headed and arrogant. It was easier for me to blame my husband’s hardheartedness and cruelty on his own past and live like a victim. The
Lord taught me through these past painful years that I was never a victim unless I choose to be. 


Love, Phillipa


May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.

In Honor of Mothers

Read this post @ A Wise Woman Builds Her Home. It made me cry. This is just what I think we all need to read this morning. Don't miss it!

May the only wise God grant you His wisdom for every part of your life.