I am no longer a…

SURGERY VIRGIN

I am now the proud owner of a port-a-cath 800z, the best port in the showroom, all the other cancer patients will be jealous (O.K. I confess there are not models of ports but it sounded fun yeah?)…the surgery took around an hour and I guess they had a little trouble placing it, and had to take a layer of fat out to get it to sit right…I am super sore, and have been told I can’t lift my arm much for the next two weeks (the port needs to settle and get embedded really well, because I can end up having it for a long time)…the problem with this is that the port is on my left side and I am left handed…so I must be vigilant and ask for help even when I want to do it myself…thank God I have a mom who will help me when I ask, without making me feel bad for doing it…She rocks my socks some days :)

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I am faithfully taking my pain medication and will take it for as long as I need…I used to be really scared to take prescription pain killers because my father was addicted to them most of my life, and I have his addictive personality (I just focus my addictions on more healthy things)…but I have come to accept that I am not him (but I am who I am because of him and that is a strong women) and it is silly to be in pain because I am scared to become addicted…I will give that fear to God…

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A long time ago I heard an acronym for the word FEAR that resonated with me in a powerful way

F alse

E vidence

A ppearing

R eal

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I was very fearful of anesthesia which ended up being both better than I anticipated and…just as I anticipated…I do not remember anything between being wheeled down the hall and waking up in the recovery room…so that was better than anticipated…coming out of the anesthesia was just weird, and I would like to not ever have to do it again please. I have written before about the sleep paralysis I experience sometimes and how terrifying it can be (here) and coming out of anesthesia is something like the sleep paralysis thing…you want to move but can’t, you want to talk you can’t, ect…luckily that only lasted a little bit and now I am as fine as can be expected and getting ready for bed…

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If you want a good laugh I’ll tell you that last night my biggest fear of going under anesthesia was that I would be so relaxed and so asleep that I would pee on the table…I mean do people do that? I did not thank goodness, but I thought it was a possibility and I would have been mortified! What weird fears have you had about things in your life?