Kicking my Butt

Chemo is kicking my butt…the first treatment I was, for the most part, feeling normal by the Wednesday after…this time, I am still recovering and it is just a big inconvenience…
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I’ve been shaky, and exhausted for days now…I thought maybe it was anemia (because, you know, I think I can diagnosis myself) but after talking to a nurse from the cancer center, I think that it is just the effects from the chemo…

In my head things would be the same as (or very similar) to the first treatment, but the nurse said that this is normal and that the second time you may feel worn down longer and that it may just compound with each treatment…She said that around 7 days out from chemo is when my counts will be the lowest and I may feel the worst…I can’t articulate how frustrating it is that the answer to most questions is that ‘no one reacts the same’ ‘some people work through chemo great, and some people can’t’…
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I want something/someone to tell me how to feel…living with depression and anxiety I have learned when I can do something despite my FEELINGS..I have learned what I have to do to be accepted by a society that can’t/doesn’t try to understand…I have learned to suck it up and do what I have to…I’ve learned how to not let it paralyze me…
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I am attempting to work five days this week, tonight is my second night…and I am just not so sure I am going to make it…I can’t clean like I am supposed to (which isn’t fair to my co-workers), and unfortunately my job isn’t one that I can just call in sick too, there has to be someone to cover me, I can’t just decide and hour before I’m to come in that I don’t feel like it…
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Thursday morning I got off work, went home and took a two hour nap before my appointment with the surgeon to discuss getting the port…the surgery is scheduled for this coming Tuesday…then I came back home and slept for eight more hours before getting up for work…I’m tired…feeling a bit defeated…and honestly I’m angry…
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Angry that my life has become dependent on others making appointments for me…angry that I don’t have a choice but to keep those appointments…angry that I have to care if my temperature is 99 degrees…angry that I don’t have the energy to think about doing a load of laundry, much less go and do it…angry that everyone says I need to take care of myself, that my health is important, but I still have responsibilities…angry that my mom has to take her vacation days to go to appointments and the hospital with me…angry that the mental exhaustion is hard to separate from the physical exhaustion…angry that I am bored because mentally I am awake but physically I don't even want to get the paper out pick up a pen and write a letter...angry that I am feeling so weak…angry that I feel like I shouldn’t be sharing this with anyone (It is like all I see/hear are stories of people who got through cancer with a great attitude, and I don’t want to be seen as if I am feeling sorry for myself)…angry that I can feel really alone even though I KNOW there are a lot of people who care about me (am I really that ungrateful?)…angry that I’m not sure I can just ‘suck it up’ …
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The crappy honeymoon is over and I don't remember saying 'I do'...
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I have a much more positive post in the works so be looking for that…