Late night thinking

I've been in crisis. I know. I know. What's new? Nothings new. I'm irresponsible. I'm impulsive. I'm my father's daughter.

Neither one of my parents were emotionally nurturing. Dad because I don't think he was capable. Mom because she worked too hard to take care of our family. She still does. I needed some nurturing...still do.

Mom has worked two jobs on and off since dad died (seven years ago). It has been necessary. Life cannot be lived on one income I don't care what Oprah or Dr. Phil say. She is too old to be working two jobs. Her body cannot take it. Her spirit cannot make it.

Intense shame is what I feel when I think about how much she works. I do good to work a regular full time job. I know my limitations. I've accepted them. I fight daily to not feel like I have to conform to the expectations the world has placed on me.

I do, however, need to conform to what my Jesus would have me do. I have been disobedient. My consequences are what I am experiencing. I don't know how to not get stuck here. I am really good at shutting down. Good at hiding. Good at being what people need (expect) me to be.