I do all the time!
Recently (a couple of weeks ago) my pastor had a heart attack. The morning after I found out. I took a big step outside my comfort zone. I drove to the hospital and after asking at a couple of different places I found where they were testing him. I needed to be there, to do something tangible, to sit with N (his wife), to offer something...do something, act...fix...
Initially I was fine. Gave hugs, looked appropriately solemn for the occasion (have I mentioned I have issues showing appropriate emotions?), presented her with the cards I made them and sat by her trying to imagine the events that can leave someone so tired, emotionally drained.
Only one event in my life gives me insight into this kind of crisis. My dad dying suddenly seven years ago. Being 20 when experiencing death for the first time is hard, especially when you want to be strong for your mom and younger brother. I wish now and wished at the time that I had more experience with grief, with loss (does that sound bad?) I really haven't had a lot of things happen, my grandma died a few years ago but it was expected it wasn't tragic.
Recently I looked at the note I had left my roommates when I left for home the day I found out he died, and was disturbed at the tone. We will get to the awkward way I handled that later in this post.
Back to the hospital with N.
There was a coffee machine in the testing waiting room. This coffee machine was small and dispensed small cups of coffee. This occasion called for a big cup of coffee. A cup of coffee that only good ole American McDonalds can provide. So, I went to McDonalds and got the coffee. I did...I acted...I helped?
When I returned I got nervous. I felt out of place. I stepped back into my 'comfort zone' I became the funny, quirky, fat girl. I said things I thought were funny and I'm pretty sure I imitated my dog. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
A few days ago I was talking to a friend about how we can see ourselves in kids and teenagers. Awkward and attention seeking, wanting to be noticed. Helps me put into perspective those who put up with my immaturity because they could see the woman I was growing into. We also talked about we can recall times in the not so far off past where we were awkward and possibly inappropriate. Right now I know that I talk over people, and I tend to repeat myself if I don't feel 'heard' the first time. Hindsight is a POWERFUL tool.
I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else looks back hours or days later and thinks. "Who was I back there?"
I want to be naked, I want my intentions to be pure, I want to be present.
Here is what I wrote to my roommates when I left for home after my dad died.
Hey Girls! Don't miss me too much. I will be gone until Wednesday or Thursday. Jared is going to drive my car home the night before or the day of the funeral so he can bring me back. I went home with his paretns. He has been so great! My # @ home is .......... if you want to call I'm at peace with that. Things don't feel real yet. I was with the hancocks from like 2-9 and then Jeremy came over @ 10 and dtayed 1 1/2 hours after curfew and there was no monitor. How funny is that? I might call tonight. Jo I took your pink nail polish so they would look nice. E.A. will be calling to get her drug book can one of you give it to her? They don't know what happened yet they are doing the autospey today I think. D spent the night last night and left at 7:30, because she was going home. So Jo if your bed isn't made right its my fault.. I guess thats all. I feel so out of control right now and I am so NOT @ peace with that. I love you girls, April
Just typing that reminds me how whacked I sounded. weird.
Anyway enough deep thoughts.
My friends are coming over for breakfast before I go to bed, I am sure I will posting pictures tomorrow!
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