Open eyes with a Closed heart leads to a lot of clumsiness

"You wouldn’t care so much
about what other people thought
about you if you knew
how little they did."

Just food for thought. I guess.
(I first heard this phrase while watching dr. Phil. While I think the solutions to things he proposes are sometimes simplistic, I really enjoy watching his show.)

My identity is something that I have really been struggling with the past few months. I feel like I am never going to be able to live in a place of love not fear, hiding, and shame. I make mistakes regularly, the SAME mistakes which I think, after a few times stop being mistakes and start being disobedience, sins, and blemishes. How do I take responsibility for those things, do what is right? (which could take a while), and still live in the freedom of Christ and not the bondage and lies of Satan? The sinner in me is so much more powerful than who I think I should be. That is my problem, I think about who I should be and not be based on others. I don't know who I want to be or who I am supposed to be. I find it easy to want to lie, easy for my first defense to be deception, easy to take the wide road, easy to be selfish, and easy to only do the minimum.

For around a year now I have been trying to be amazingly honest, I don't say I will when I don't want to. I try not to tell people what I think they want to hear. This has been a very eye opening practice for me. My answers are not always well recieved. If I ask of a request 'can I think about it for 10 min' I find that people really wanted an immediate answer or no answer at all. I find that intimidating. Another example; if I just choose to keep quite because I know that what I have to say is not going to be well recieved, or that the person is not ready to hear what I have to say. I sometimes have had to be obedient to Gods timing and bite my tounge. One day I will bite my tounge off belive you me. One the other end of silence is to speak the truth, and to let my yes to yes or my no be no with no feelings of guilt attached to it. For example; 'april do you want to read a missionary book' my first reaction was to say sure because I know that is what I was supposed to say. My actual reaction was I don't think that I do want to read a missionary book. After being pressured I agreed that I would take the book home but wasn't sure I would read it. That is a small example but, I have to tell you that this experiment of extreme honesty is working for me.

My current job is no more than an adult babysitter/maid position. I wrote this while sitting on the couch at work at 3:00 in the morning, eating reduced fat cheezze its, and watching the first season of 24 on dvd.

Obviously, I want to do more with my life. If anyone knows what it is and would like to send me a postcard telling me in BIG FAT letters what it is. I will forever be in your debt.
I do not pursue because I am afraid of failure. I do not persue because I am afraid of what I will discover. Fear that I will discover I will never have a family. Fear that what I am called to do will not make enough of an impact. Fear that I will become like my dad. Fear that I am not enough to be pursured, when I am tired and can't do it myself.

1 John 4:18 (The Message)17-18

When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

Jesus Be that in me have the run of my house, mature me, free me, heal me, form me, show me how to love you.
Amen