Love longing

want:

I want to be in love.

think:

I think I would be really good at it.

Being 27, never kissed, with only a couple of "relationships" (that were but weren't) can be both embarrassing and paralyzing. In case it wasn't implied enough, guys just don't look at me. God knows that I want a man...a man that is secure, a man that can see me in my brokeness and know immedatly...that isn't this girl,"I want to know more about her" I want a strong man.

The one time I was in love...really in love where the other person loved me back was almost perfect. Lacking only in the fact that he would never admit he was in love with me(irregardless that everyone around us could tell he was). I felt cheated by that experience. Cheated out of getting to feel wanted, cheated out of the possibility of a first kiss, cheated out of getting to say this is my beautiful boyfriend.

He was gorgeous to me and the more I supported what he did and saw his is potential as a man of God, the more I allowed myself to see a future, ministies we could be involved in together, the lives we could touch because of our mutual talents. Because with him lifting me up, depression got a lot harder to reach (it could go under the bed in a locked box for all I cared) because somone believed in me.

It is obvious the end to the story we fought, he got overwhelmed, it was not pretty, he transfered to another college and I was never to see him again. He is now married and we are "friends" on facebook, but have never spoken. I have looked through his profile and see that he still hasn't matured into the man I saw him becoming.

We both chose different paths and they didn't lead us together. I am grateful for that, I learned more about myself the six months after the "breakup" than ever could have in the next 6 years. It was amazing! I am who I am today because of that experience. Yes, there is still some baggage there, I will always feel disposible and replaceable because of what this person did to me. I have faith that someone can love past that.

Tonight I long to be in love...I think I will be good at it.