James 1:19-27

"19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. 21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.
22 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 23 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 24 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 25 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. 27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."

James 1:19-27 (New Living Translation)

These verses have so much to speak to my life right now.

Obedience is something for which I am striving, and failing more often than not. Failure not because of rebellion (I think), but maybe failure because of a feeling of hopeless unworthiness. I am incurable, and that is deflating. I will always struggling with this demon of depression.

I've gone kicking and screaming into accepting the hold depression has, and every so often find myself drawn back into the depths of darkness. Honestly it is embarrassing. No one wants to show their failures, their defects. I wear my failures; weight, depression, insecurity (no eye contact), social awkwardness out for the whole world to see. Rarely do I apologize for these because I aknowledge they are there (and find it cleansing to and seriously I think the world would get a lot of good out of people being honest about thier weaknesses and struggles...break down thoses walls...breakdown those 'social' expectations...let us get real!

What is funny is that I feel really secure, strong, and self assured at home in the cocoon of my home. Outside of my home I am insatiable in my hunger for approval and encouragment. I see disapproval and dismissive behavior toward me behind every smile, every turn, every everywhere.

These verses in James really encourage me to continue to look into the person of Jesus for my worth. To look into a mirror and not see a double chin and crazy chubby cheeks, to instead see the perfect reflection of God's love for me. Finding peace in the fact that he sees that in me everytime he looks at me (bad day or not).

I stand forgiven and blamless when I stand before my father.

God continues to lead me toward whole obedience. Obedience with my money (of which I have negative non) obedience with my speech, obedience with my attendance to activities, obedience to look for a new higher paying job with insurance, obedience to not give up.

Just as I commit others in my life into your hands and your will, father, I commit myself to you and will and am ready to take all that comes with that be it consequences to sin, or directions different than I might have planned.

I will claim your promises, and I will continue to try and be transparent in this process, cause how much would I love for others to be transparent in thier processes.

Its 2 in the morning and I am tired so I am sure that the last few thoughts have been a little loopy but I will include them because I'm sure I had something important to say :)