Remembering #1

The past few days I have been remembering the time I spent at the Meier Clinic. January 2008 I drove to Wheaton IL to begin a journey of healing. Four months prior I began preparing emotionally and spiritually to lift myself out of the life that wasn't working for me and place myself into a 3 week intensive treatment program for depression and anxiety.

~

Let me set the scene. By October 2007 things had gotten REALLY bad. I was constantly irritated, impatient, tired, sad, and withdrawn. I would literally go home from work EVERY day to take a nap. Most of the time not returning to work. My manager and I had to come up with a plan for me to have a work at home day on Wednesdays so that I could have a break in the middle of the week. My home was safe, my bedroom was protection.

~

This state of mind affected all my relationships. One example is;

My office mate. She was getting really upset with me for leaving work early all the time, the day I left for the clinic she was so upset with me we didn't talk for the six weeks I was gone. We are actually really good friends, and when I got back and told her how serious I was about not wanting to live she said that she didn't realize.

~

To me it was obvious I was in pain, I was broken, I was hopeless, I was worthless, I wanted to die. Never did I attempt to commit suicide, I wasn't going to go to hell. However, when I was driving I would think..."man I could just jerk the wheel and run into the car coming toward me and it would be OVER...I need it to be over!" I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit is the one that stopped those thoughts becoming actions.

~

The three weeks that I spent at the clinic and the three weeks that I went to stay with my mom after are too much to put into one blog post. I feel that I need to share this. I don't know why. Maybe because I need to remember, I need to remind myself what healthy can be, I need a refresher course.

~

Today I want to share the results of my psychological testing, and the effect it had on my treatment.

~

I did it all...the ink blot test, look at a picture and name an emotion, read something and talk about it, fill in bubble tests ect...It was extensive. For the amount it costs to be in the program it should have been REALLY extensive!

~

I found out my results with my counselor. It was in the middle of my three week stay. I was really slow to let go. I fought my counselor almost every step of the way up to then. I questioned all that was said. This day was by break-through day.

~

Axcess 1 diagnosis

Major Depressive Disorder
Dysthymic Disorder

and possibly General Anxiety Disorder
Axcess 2 diagnosis

Depressive

Schizoid

Avoidant

Obsessive Compulsive Traits
IQ

111 at the time of testing because I was in a depressive episode it is probably 10-20 points higher

Personality Traits

Severe Fatigue

Feeling Distress

Mind turns emotions into physical symptoms

Lack of Motivation

Suicidal Ideations

Woeful Temperament

Interpersonally

Under engaged

Aversive (resistant)

Exaggerated and expansive cognitive style

~

I broke down after she said woeful temperament. What!? I don't have a woeful temperament! Then she went on...aversive, under engaged, exaggerated cognitive style. By then I was sobbing and I couldn't stop. Crap! I've been found out. I thought I could fool the tests like I've been fooling everyone in my life. Sure I knew I was pessimistic (woeful) but I did all I could to not be that in my life. That is probably why I was so tired. I was trying SO hard to just function. To make a living. I had no life, I was not living.

~

We ended the session and I went to my hotel/home (for the three weeks I was there) and cried for at least four hours. I mean CRIED, I sobbed, I gasped, I shook, somehow I fell asleep, woke up and cried some more.

~

It wasn't until the next day that I realized why I had gotten so upset.

For years I had been longing for someone to call me out on my junk.

I was stripped.

I was naked.

I had been exposed.

and

MAN WAS I RELIEVED!

~

I'm not sure how many posts this will be. I'm going to do one post a day on this subject in addition to whatever regular posts I want to do. I hope you will want to join me on this journey down memory lane. Maybe you will see yourself in some of the things I have to say, maybe I can give you hope of a brighter tomorrow, or maybe I'm just doing this for me.

~

I will let God direct.